Something Lost, Something Gained

As each year passes, Christmas seems to change a bit in my heart and in our family. Perhaps it's the loosening of my grip on sentimentality of Christmas past. If it were up to me, I would cling tightly to the giddiness of Christmas Eve, to the new dress and doing up of hair, to the waking up early to unwrap treasures, to the packing up to visit family. I'd hold onto the dreaming and anticipation of what I would be receiving for Christmas. The eager expectation of what was to come. But what I've come to realize is that I actually had it all wrong.

I think we all seek to be pleased, to be happy, to get what we really want. I've written on that before so I won't go on too lengthily. But, my excitement of Christmas was really wrapped up all in me. My giddiness and anticipation, my dreaming and longing was all absorbed in what I would "get" for me. It was about what could be gained for myself.

This has been a slow progression of learning, but I think the first time this started to sink in was about 6 years ago when I lived at home with my dad and he forgot my birthday. I waited all day thinking that he would remember, but slowly realized that he probably forgot amidst all the responsibility in caring for Mom. At the close of dinner that evening, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said, "Dad, it's my birthday today." He truly felt sorry and tried to cheer me up and bought me a beautiful cake the next day, but I remember it all hurting so deeply. I remember feeling completely forgotten by both my parents. I had to try hard not to cry to S on the phone that night, so as not to appear petty. I was old enough to not need a cake and presents, right? Yet, I remember gaining such wealth from the pain of being forgotten. Perhaps it wasn't really about me getting. Did a birthday really require a celebration or gift? There was reason to reflect and celebrate but it certainly didn't demand a cake and icing. My treasure was not to be found in a present that I would soon forget. My true treasure could only be found and rooted in Christ.

So my passion and longing for Christ has deepened through the years. And, I suppose my enthusiasm for "the getting" has lessened a bit. I'm challenged to examine where I find my identity and worth. Is it in how I'm remembered or thought of? Is it it what I am given? Or is it in my identification as a child of God, freely and graciously forgiven by the Great High Priest, the One and Only true God? Astounding. I am precious to Him when others may fail or forget me.

This year, A and I worked on a Jesse Tree (http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?&pid=1602&srcid=1600) for the season of Advent, and I am humbled and thankful at all that we learned and were reminded of about our Great Savior. It is one of the first years in which I truly anticipated the Savior's birth as we read Scripture after Scripture pointing to His great plan of salvation! (Next year, we plan to do a Jesus or Bethlehem Tree (http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2137_jesus_tree/ for a similar idea, yet a little different) as a family.

Consequently, S and I began to ponder our Christmas traditions this year -- why we do what we do and all that. Perhaps we'll re-write our up-coming traditions, tweak them a tad, so we can more adequately remember and focus our hearts on Him each year. Not a doing thing, but a heart thing -- to remember Him, to love Him, to look upon Him with irrevocable gratitude and love. For His grace and mercy know no end. His choosing us is no mistake. And we are so precious to Him. How precious, how cherished, how immeasurable we desire our love to be for Him! This is the gift we desire to bring Him each year. And how wonderful to know that in Christ, we've received all that we ever truly need.

well-suited

I came across this article today and really enjoyed it. Hope you do, too... even if just a few lines. Well-suited for the theme of this blog.



http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspiration-motivation/makes-me-feel-beautiful-00000000017777/index.html

What's to Come

There she lay on the hospital bed, asleep, quiet, and might I add – beautiful. How can dying look so beautiful? It can. I assure you, it can.

Her death was not imminent, as in the near future, but it reminded me just how close it really is. She was having a very difficult day with a bladder infection and feeling very uncomfortable. And, yet seeing her lay there made us all realize – we’ll all be in that hospital room again, watching her lay on the bed, preparing for those final moments.

It’s odd to say that she looks more like my Mom when sleeping. I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand that, also. But, her eyes have not looked the same to me in a long time. And when I saw her laying there, eyes closed, resting – she looked just as if I walked into her bedroom years ago to wake her up to chat or play. She looked like all that I remember. Gorgeous. Dreaming. At rest. Healthy. Excited to see me.

What struck me even more was that she was resting. And, how I long for her to have eternal rest with our Lord. As much as I love seeing her, enjoy her presence, and don’t want to let her go, I long more for her restoration. Most of all, I long for His glory, and if that means more time for her here to accomplish His purposes, I readily agree and accept.

I came across a box of letters and photos the other night, and inside were three letters from my Mom. S walked in the room to find me in tears. I said, “I don’t even remember her anymore.” The letters were fragrant with her love, her fun spirit, her humor and sensitivity. And, they were lavished with her love and concern for me. How I miss that! How long it has been since I’ve sensed that or heard such things from her. And, yet I hear her in some things I say to my girl now. I’m reminded of her ways.

Alzheimer’s is so very long. It tarries. The clock ticks slowly. Come, Lord Jesus. And, remain our steadfast comfort till the end.

A Dream of Endurance

Early this morning, I had a dream that I was on a long and weary journey. I was greatly discouraged at just how difficult it had all become. I turned the bend, in great hope that the end would soon be in sight, but I saw the opposite. Before me was a great expanse of land: infinite miles; uncounted, unchartered, waiting for me. And my heart sank. I wanted to surrender and go no further. I was done. I had nothing left in me to endure.

I recall waking from the dream, knowing that the way out was actually sooner than I thought. There was some kind of pathway to an underground route taking me back home. But, there was no way of knowing that beforehand. The test of my faith was to endure no matter what I saw ahead.

I think it’s very easy for us to feel this way. Perhaps we’ve pre-scanned and labeled the trials we’d like to endure, and if things do not go according to plan, then our faith will not follow. We’ll abandon ship, or maybe instead sulk for the remainder of the journey.

As Psalm 73 and Romans 5 so clearly indicate, there is maturity gained through our trials. There is trust and encouragement and a depth that is fostered in the well of our hearts. James shares that we are to regard our trials with joy. We’re to look ahead at what may appear to be “bleak” and uncertain circumstances and say, “Thank you, God. Thank you. You know, you are in this, and I can trust you here.” How often do we experience the joy and peace in thanking Him for our trials? He has ordained them for us. He is so wise.

When we round that bend and see the infinite miles that may lie ahead, may we know that the end will result in praising God (1 Peter 1:6-7). And, He will see us through, often with great joy as we focus our eyes on Him.

Let us strive and long to be shaped in the image of Christ. He’s near and very, very good to us! And may we ENDURE.

“And let steadfastness have its full effect,
that you may be perfect and complete,
lacking in nothing.”
(James 1:4)

No Comparisons

My brother said to me the other day, “I never want to grow old. So many awful things can happen.” I’ve always been a proponent for aging. I’ve loved the idea of having my hair change from brown to grey, of growing in wisdom, and of having more years under my belt. Certainly, though, my brother does have a valid point.

It seemed that right before we moved, my hair started to turn. Consequently, I now see silvery streaks sprouting all over my head, as if I have sprinkled seeds in the morning and water them in the shower. I notice more of them each day. Some are quirky, too, like tiny, untamable lightning bolts. I say to S, “I’m not sure, hon. I might cave and color it!” He still encourages me to let it come and enjoy it. What a treasure he is! We’ll see what we both think in a few months. LOL.

I also learned another lesson about aging three weeks ago when I dislocated my back. I’ve never done this before, but I knew immediately that something was wrong, when intense pain struck my lower back, pushing me right down to the floor. I should have taken more time to rest, but I didn’t realize it wasn’t just a muscle issue—it was actually dislocated. It’s extremely humbling to realize how much physical pain can alter my perspective in almost every area.

I’m reminded how much joy I find in mobility. In walking down the stairs, picking up the jogging stroller, and placing my little tot inside. In spinning her round and round, lifting her when she gets frightened by loud noises in a store, making her fly like a busy, buzzy bee. As I left my class tonight, I walked to the car with a whimpering lip. I’d been holding my tears in way too long. I just needed to let it all out. I readily admit two things: I love routine and I love serving my family. I can’t help but cry that in S’s busiest season of work, he must overcompensate for me. I feel so helpless.

It’s as if I’m looking at the washing machine and vacuum as friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I know, this may sound so funny, but I find great joy in being useful, using my hands, and serving my family. I love our new apartment and love seeing it shine in every way. I’m sad that I am spending all my time on the couch. It’s very hard for me.

But, the hardest part, beyond the weight it places on S, is missing this element with my girl. I don’t want to be concerned about pulling my back out when I pick her up. I miss each second.

I remember our pastor sharing a few weeks ago that we should not compare our trials. So, I won’t go on to say how someone else has it worse or better than me. But, I can assure you, I am challenged all the more to trust His sovereignty, rather than just blame myself for trying to move a dresser and bed by myself. He is in control. He is about a good work. I’ve seen some of that already, in how He’s made me available to others, given me time to rest, read, learn, and reflect. I guess my issue is being patient and being ok with being limited. He’s still in control. He doesn’t really need me to accomplish it all. And, it’s ok if His to-do list is different from mine.

I want to learn what it means to be patient and enduring, because I know He impresses such things on my heart. His Word assures me so in places like Romans and James. And, I trust His hand, as much as sometimes I don’t prefer the situations. I’m challenged to rest, trust He’s in control, even of my family. It’s not all centered in what I can do. He is far greater than my ability to mop the floor or even than the joy of spinning my girl.

So, the greys, I’ll take them. The pain, I’ll open my hands and accept. Because I know it comes from Him. The patience and endurance leads me to the wisdom, to the crown of silver. And, as much as I think I’m close when I look in the mirror, I really do have a long way to go.

Those late night chats

When our friendship first began, long before I ever knew we’d one day marry each other, we loved to talk on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. There I sat in my parents’ dining room, in a cozy-orange chair, stretching the blue phone cord as far as it could reach, so I could be comfortable and talk longer. I didn’t care how late it got (although my dad did) or how tired I’d be the next day. It was one of my favorite things to do and still is.

There was always an incredible anticipation in my chatting with S. I looked forward to it and enjoyed every minute. We talked about everything and I was always challenged by what he had to say and contribute. And I loved the laughter we shared. No one had ever made me laugh so hard. It was an incredible friendship that I continue to enjoy the fruit of today.

This week we’ve had a few nights when we’ve just sat on the couch, talking, sharing, growing, and planning into those same wee morning hours. And, I’ve loved it. I love hearing his heart and mind speak, and I love how we speak truth to each other. I love sharing my heart and life with this wonderful husband of mine. Although we talk all the time, there is something about our late night chats that draw us closer and cause me to give thanks for the great hope and redemption He’s brought into our lives and marriage.

It’s amazing to look back at how much I loved him then, but how much more I love him now! How much deeper. Truer. No matter how tired I am, I will always stay up for him. I will talk until he thinks he’s ready for slumber. I can still listen to him as long as he needs, and respond as long as my mouth keeps speaking, even if my eyes are flickering.

It’s nice that I don’t have to stretch the phone cord any more or wish we could be right there next to each other. We are, each night, and I’m so very thankful.

“How foolish I am.
Why am I drawn to the flame
Which extinguishes?”
(Jack Pretusky)

Oh the poor fate of the moth, constantly drawn to that which dies. Just like us. We’re drawn, pulled, tempted by the very thing that kills us. Why such drive and enthusiasm to fly into the very flame of sin? Why such craft to hide in darkness, in lies, in condemnation and guilt when Jesus offers truth, light, and forgiveness, and freedom?

In chatting with a friend today, I was reminded of the sin that can keep us bound for potentially our entire lives on earth. That is, apart from the truth of the Gospel and of Christ. It is quite easy and perhaps even comfortable to find ourselves in a place where lying is easier than truth-telling, where rudeness is preferred over kindness, and where vengeance becomes ours instead of God’s. How He calls us to more than we take for ourselves, the moths that we are!

How grateful I am that He can take these hearts of stone and transform them into honest confession, truth-telling, resulting in grace, redemption, forgiveness, and forever being accepted because of Christ’s perfect life and sacrifice.

We have great hope and freedom. How foolish to be drawn the flame which extinguishes.

Forgotten

In recent days when people ask me about my Mom, I find myself looking all around the room, trying to think of something to say. I search and search but I often come up rather empty. What can you say about a person when they no longer speak to you? How can you eloquently describe a disease that is not always very eloquent to watch? I often comment on the things we do when visiting her, what A may have done, and simple facts of our visit, scooting right past the real issues of my heart.

It wasn’t until this past week in chatting with my sister that I realized why this occurs. It’s because I didn’t realize where we now are. We’re almost at the end. We’ve entered that final season when there are no more words, expressions, or conversation. It is all quiet.

I can remember when my Mom was first placed in full-time care. There was a woman in the final stages of ALZ who was always in a reclining wheel chair, expressionless, and spoon-fed. S and I would often look at her, finding it hard to imagine the day when my Mom would be that woman.

But I think she is that woman now, and I almost don’t know what to feel about it. It’s strange because so much grieving goes on in the early years that you are in many ways prepared for the later years. And yet I find myself feeling very hurt and lonely, quite saddened when we visit my Mom. And I now I know why. She does not remember me anymore. She does not know me. Sometimes she does not even look in my direction. And I love her. How does it feel to love and receive nothing in return, especially from one’s own mother? It’s heartbreaking to say the least.

It all makes me treasure those years I was at home to help care for her before marrying S. Those were precious times spent and I’m so thankful for them. I realize that it is not Mom’s choosing to forget me, but rather the disease that is slowly, yet quickly taking her memory away by force. She is left with very little in this regard, but I do trust her spirit is being replenished and continually fed by His Spirit.

One day it will all be restored. I hope to embrace her in heaven, again being known, even though all the tears will then be gone. It will be a joy to see her healed and restored.

My Little Martha

I had to get a filling re-filled this morning at the dentist. ICK. My head has hurt ever since. But, the dentist sure is a gem. He’s very sweet and I think he does a great job, despite the hole he left in our wallets.

I returned home to see my sweet little child run to the door, with her baby doll in one hand and the doll’s bottle in the other. It was obvious that she was very much occupied, yet she juggled her tasks to greet me with a big smile and much chatter. I was overjoyed. I almost forgot my head hurt.

Later in the day while packing boxes, A looked at me and said, “You are a busy, busy bee! You need Martha and Bobby!” We both laughed hysterically. For any of you who have read the book, We Help Mommy by Eloise Wilkin, you will recall the busy mother trying to accomplish all her tasks with her two little tots helping her each step of the way. A proved to be a little Martha to me today and took great joy in packing the boxes. Her specialty was reminding me when I needed “more tape” and making me chuckle the whole way through.

So we are almost all packed. We went to our new apartment last night and got so excited! A joined me in running around the bedrooms in circles and then finally collapsing on the floor in laughter.

We’re excited and so blessed to have a wonderful crew of friends to help us with the move! It helps share the weight and stirs up immense thankfulness to be part of a body of believers. Love each of you!

Silly Quotes

These were some classics' A said this past week while S was away:

"I love JuJu (her favorite stuffed lion). He's such a great friend!"

"This medicine is just so tasty!"

"I'm tired. I miss Papa."

"Tell Mama what's wrong. Tell Mama what's happened." (speaking to herself)

"Your hair is beautiful! It's gorgeous! It's like brushing a rainbow!" (spoken to me while combing my hair one night)

"Goodness gracious!"

"I'm so tipsy turvy."

"There's a lion in our house." (as she crawls around the floor)

Hope Through Tears

It’s amazing the wide range of emotions and circumstances’ tears can span. While S has been away this past week, I think I have cried more than in my entire life. And it wasn’t simply because I was homesick for him, though I was, but it was because the Lord brought so many unique circumstances into my week to refine my faith in Him.

I began to wonder what was going on with our girl when she became very testy and was having trouble sleeping. Naps vanished from our routine and she was up for at least three hours a night. I had almost no moment to myself each day. What a challenge to not have S here to help me in such moments. There were times I just sobbed by A’s door, praying for her to go back to sleep, trying to gather just an ounce more of strength to help her through another night/day.

Though challenging, I’ve often found that the Lord wakes me up during the night for divine purposes… often to bring something to light—a sin or area I need to look at, or to pray for others. There is always a purpose. So this week, I had to seek that out—to see what I could be doing in those times when He had me awake. And, perhaps one of those purposes was simply to display love for my girl who ended up having an eye and ear infection. Perhaps it was just to care for her and display faithfulness and tenderness.

To me, the call to obedience seems almost do-able when I am fed, alert, and healthy. But, in the middle of the night, all my theology faces a screeching holt and I am faced with the question: Do you believe it enough now to place your trust in Me? Do you believe it enough to hold on to truth in this trial? Will you trust Me through it? Will you trust I am still in control? Will you cling to Me and My Word?

It is choosing to trust that He is in control and is good. He is faithful whatever should occur. And He does provide the grace and strength we need. My span of tears was great, but He has covered me with such grace and strength! How I rejoice that my life is hidden in Him!

Cereal Chatter

I had to laugh this morning at the breakfast table when A said to me, “Have some cereal. It’ll make you feel better.” I must have seemed pretty groggy. ;-) Our girl is just cracking us up left and right. I love the way she constructs her sentences and the funny things she says. She even has four made-up people/things that she likes to invite into our conversations simply for humor. They always seem to mimic whatever A is doing. She has such a creative little mind.

Today while making some blueberry buckle she said, “I need a boat to float!” We both cracked up laughing. It was a line from one of her favorite books. Once we finished baking, she said, “I’ll show you where ‘tis.” And sure enough, a few foot steps later, and page turns after, there we were at the right page in the book. She was so proud of herself that she gave me a gigantic hug.

Best job ever… being her Mama. LOVE it!

The Sign

There’s a big sign outside our window, and outside A’s window, and out on the fence that is so very distracting to me not only visually, but emotionally for some reason. “FOR RENT”. There it is in big, bold letters, drawing noise and attention to our quiet, little apartment. Feet come walking through our home, seeing our pens, cups, toothbrushes, bedspreads, books… things. Walking into our world… strangers.

Why does it bother me so? I love walking through other people’s homes. I find it so very interesting to see what they have inside their walls. In fact, I’m often the one walking down the street, peeking past curtain-views when the sun is beginning to fade and lights turn on. I love to see how people live. Perhaps that’s why it bothers me so; I don’t like strangers walking through our little home.

Deeper than this, though, is the change of it all. I’ve always had a hard time with change. A new walkway, place to park the car, door, windows, kitchen drawers, where we place the computer. Actually, the newness doesn’t bother me as much as leaving the oldness. And, once I’m gone I’m always fine, but it is the anticipation of the going when I miss what will be the “old”. I always get homesick while still in a place, and once I’m gone I’m completely fine. It’s like my process of grieving. In actuality, this makes a lot of sense because I’ve grieved my mom leaving this world while she is still very much alive. It’s the nature of her disease. And sometimes it becomes the nature of how I process things, even though I’ve done this long before she was ever sick.

So off we go, packing boxes, pulling out markers and writing directions, saying goodbye to our little home this past year. I’m homesick for it, and yet I am very excited for step two. God is SO kind to have provided us with this new place! It is just wonderful! I'll blog about that another day... this morning, I was so distracted by the big sign. LOL

Essential for Marriage

Just after we were engaged, I began to search for books on marriage. And although we read many, I can honestly say that the one I now recommend to all couples above any other is one S gave me a few weeks ago. It’s called, “When Sinners Say ‘I Do’: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage” by Dave Harvey. It is the most candid, thorough, deliberate, and gospel-centered book I’ve ever read on this topic.

Some marriage books give neat little suggestions, address how to deal with conflict, talk about sex, and give little bits of information to the husband and wife. But, this is the first book I’ve read that puts the Gospel at the center of two sinners in marriage. Because, let’s face it: that’s who we are.

Prior to marriage, tucked away in the privacy of my own bedroom, it all seemed quite doable. When I had that time to myself and quiet, I had all the patience and love in the world! So what happens to all that love, grace, and patience? The truth of the matter is that our marriage shouldn’t just be based on how much love we think we have, our commitment to each other, or even the vows we have made. Because even those can be broken. Marriage needs to be focused on the truth of God’s Word which never fails and never changes.

God designed marriage for His glory, and I’m thankful that in that plan He also made it for our good. And, it is good! I love being married to S! Every night before I fall off to sleep, I stare at him sleeping and thank the Lord for the gift I have in Him. I know that God joined us together for His glory, and it’s amazing to me that He has used our own sinfulness to draw us closer to Himself and each other. Things that could have destroyed us, things that could have driven a deep nail of bitterness have brought forth repentance, forgiveness, joy, and intimacy. God is so good and kind to us. We’ve come to rejoice that it is “His kindness that leads to repentance”, and His love that brings forgiveness. It is only through His Word, example, and grace that we can understand forgiveness and offer it to each other.

We’re not afraid of sin anymore because we realize that it is sin that leads us to the cross. It is there that we find grace and forgiveness. In Christ, we’ve been forgiven much! His kindness is immeasurable! I’m amazed at how differently I look at others when I view them through the eyes of mercy. Christ looked upon me in all my sin and chose to forgive me. Although I do it often, I don’t desire to be the man in Matthew who was forgiven much and then did not forgive. What an awful place to be! I want to see my sin, my debt, my need, and HIS grace when I look at S. I want to see Him through the love Christ has shown me.

Must go for now, but seriously, check out the book! It will touch all the areas that no one else touches, and those places we don’t often talk about. And, it will point you to the Gospel of grace, which we all need.

Her Big Day- The Two Year Mark

My heart has been bursting with excitement the last few days as we’ve been approaching A’s second birthday. I’m just abundantly blessed as I think back on all the memories we have these last two years. My life is all the fuller and richer because of our daughter!

This morning when we woke A from bed, we sang “Happy Birthday” to her. She said, “Sing again, Mama, Papa?” And, at breakfast as I was reminding her how much we have to be thankful for she said, “So thankful for dinner!” ;-)

This morning was A’s first day in the big-kid room at church! She was welcomed by such wonderful, caring individuals! She learned about Jesus being baptized by John, played with friends, and was invited to celebrate her birthday with a little cake! We’re so blessed by such thoughtfulness! When we asked A what she thought of her morning in the big class she said, “It was interesting!” and then we all laughed!

A’s friend Rosie gave her a pair of her own red tights. She put them in a brown paper bag with a purple piece of paper taped to the outside with her name on it. How dear is that?!

And, as if that weren’t enough to touch our hearts, our landlord and his girlfriend stopped by to see her today. They brought two books as gifts! They know how much she loves books and they wanted to encourage her love for reading. It was just amazing!

In a few hours, we’ll head over to have dinner with both sets of Grandparents and one set of Great- Grandparents. A keeps saying how she can’t wait to see her “friends” tonight. And… to have pizza, of course! HA.

I’m baking some cookies, nibbling on them as I go, and reflecting on the goodness of God in our dear, precious child. Thank you, God! You are so good to us! What a privilege it is to point this precious child to Yourself, what a joy to serve you in raising her. Thank you! We love you!

Big Changes in our Little One

Our little muffin is changing so much. It’s almost as if we have a new child! She’s growing in her curiosity, imagination, and VOCABULARY! For Christmas, we gave her a collection of Eric Carle’s longer stories. She walks around the house saying, “Eric Carle” and then “Read Pancakes” because she loves his story about pancakes. She also goes in to her kitchen to make us pancakes and pizza. We had some friends over for pizza the day after Christmas, and ever since, she can’t stop talking about pizza. We picked up a book at the library a couple days ago about Curious George at the pizza shop and now she requests to read it quite frequently.

The most interesting of all is that in a couple of her books the word “sad” is referenced. One was in a Curious George book when we he realized he lost the bunny and the other in her Eloise Wilkin book which says that God is with us when we are lonely, hurt, sorry, or sad. The other evening when A didn’t particularly enjoy the meal of choice, she looked at me and said, “Mama, I’m sad.”  Oh my! Now she says it when Papa leaves, when she is disappointed, or when she needs extra snuggles. Wow.

She also surprised us today by saying “I’m happy!” after we finished lunch. She then said, “Happy New Year, Ju-Ju!” (Judah is her favorite Lion friend.)

With all these new words also have come many new changes. She was scared and sad going to bed a few nights in a row, seemed to have some bad dreams, became very clingy during the daytime hours, and was rather frustrated at the challenges in communicating with us. Sometimes these words are not the easiest to understand! We are trying hard because we desire to know her heart and thoughts.

This is an exciting time! Words are connecting with her thoughts and emotions, and we are getting to know and understand her in fresh and exciting ways. We’re grateful and excited for this new season!