Walking down the hallway of my Mom’s home is something I love and hate to do. I love it because my Mom is at the end of it. I hate it for all it represents. My sister and I like to call it “the hallway of tears”, for each step we take brings us closer to my Mom’s reality. It brings us closer to these last days, to our last goodnight.
When my Mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I remember looking around the doctor’s office, surveying all his credentials. I was so angry with him – not him as an individual—but that his profession should even exist in the first place. That people should even get Alzheimer’s. Even from the beginning of Mom’s disease, there was this “wrongness” about the whole thing.
When I see women nearing their later years, displaying their beautiful crown of white hair, I am reminded that my Mom will never get there. When I admire the sharp minds of older generations, I’m reminded that my Mom’s mind has disappeared and vanished. When I see my Mom lying there, when I touch her frail hands, when I see the slight light left in her eyes, all of my heart shouts, “This is not the way it’s supposed to be!”
A couple nights ago, as I walked down the hallway, I couldn’t help but think that my Mom should never have had to go to bed each night in this place. She should be at home, where she belongs. And, as I entered her room and saw the picture of her mother who also died of Alzheimer’s Disease this past year, I became angry at the disease. I wanted to scream at the injustice.
This sense of injustice reminded me that we are created for so much more than this world.
I’m thankful that in Scripture, death is the last enemy. And, it is only temporary. All that is bad will one day be made right.
There’s a day to come when death will be no more -- when all our pain and suffering will cease. There will be a new reality; a perfect relationship between God and His creation will exist.
Right now, we see the pain. We see Mom’s physical frame decline. We lose more of her each day. But, there is more to her story than this ending.
In the new creation, all things will be made right. The entire progression of the Bible builds to this reality. God is going to redeem and restore everything to what it was meant to be. Right now, we feel the weight and pain and heaviness of this world, but it’s going to change.
There will be a day when we won’t struggle with losing loved ones. When there aren’t people diagnosing Alzheimer’s. When all will be made right.
As a Christian, I believe this reality. My hope is beyond what we see now.
Jesus took on flesh, suffered terribly, and was cut off from God so we might not have to experience that eternally. My great Savior, I thank you for such hope! Such redemption. That I can trust You took my place, the place I deserved on the cross for my sin, and you have secured my salvation. That this is my standing, my hope, my identity, and my security. This what carries me through these final days.
A good friend of our's has a great sermon on this new reality. Feel free to check it out.
Psalm 103:
Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!
6 The Lord gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
7 He revealed his character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
18 of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!
19 The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.
20 Praise the Lord, you angels,
you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!
22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
everything in all his kingdom.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Agonizing Love
I used to think that the grieving of twelve years would somehow be enough. That the collection of tears would reach the brim of my jar and then it would be sealed. That somehow I might not feel it all again. But my jar is overflowing now, spilling over the top and onto the floor. I can’t contain my tears no matter how hard I might try.
I am flooded with memories. The other day when my Dad and I were leaving Mom, we heard a familiar voice in one of the neighboring rooms. We peeked in and saw that it was the Director of the first day center Mom went to in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She remembered us well and we had a good conversation. And, something about that conversation brought it all full circle. I remembered those early stages. My sweet Mom was then so much like my 4-year-old daughter is now. She was childlike, dependent, precious.
I remember when we took Mom to a full-time care facility. It was agonizing. Amazing that love can sometimes be so agonizing – that God have us this capacity to feel and grieve and connect and miss connecting. And, it was His agonizing love on the Cross that brought such freedom. I am not alone in this suffering. I have a great Savior who understands what it means to grieve and break and weep. But, not in despair. With hope and assurance.
When we left Mom for the first evening at the full-time facility, it struck me (quite painfully) that this would be the first time in my parent’s marriage that they would sleep in separate beds. It felt like a canyon had been placed between them. We were only two blocks away, but it felt like she was sleeping on another continent. I remember watching my Dad kiss her goodbye, assuring her he’d see her in the morning. He turned away with a smile, as the tears welled up in his eyes. God gave her such grace. She just smiled, slightly puzzled, but somehow knowing everything would be ok. And, the nurses came in to spend time with her while we headed out the door. It was one of the most difficult nights of my life.
Tonight it hit me that this is more than me going away to college and not seeing her for a few weeks. It’s more than leaving her at the Day Center till work lets out. It’s more than saying, “We’ll see you in the morning.” This is the last time I’ll see my Mom in her earthly form. The last time I’ll touch her skin, see her eyes, watch her head turn toward me.
I can’t do anything but sob.
It hurts beyond measure. But, I do not despair. There is a reality beyond what I see now. There is a future hope, that I realize is completely counter-culture to this world, yet that is absolutely real.
I remember as a child talking to my Dad a lot about Heaven. He taught me so much about the glory of God, what worship may look like in heaven, and about our new bodies. These conversations were always filled with such questions, wonder, and also excitement.
Our reality now is two-fold: My Mom is about to die, and my Mom is about to be restored. Her race is coming to an end, but there is a new beginning.
A couple years ago, our Pastor spent some time preaching on Heaven. These are some things that I remember:
1. Heaven is a real place, involving a re-created heaven and earth. It’s not just a spiritual world.
2. Heaven is a city where the effects of the curse of sin are reversed. It’s a HUGE city where the Glory of God is its light. There is nothing unclean, and there is no presence or consequence of sin. It is stunningly beautiful! (Revelation 21:3-7)
3. In Heaven, life will be lived. We will function in worshipful living. We will work, learn, have relationships, community, responsibility, worship, and we will rule over something. We will experience all that we were created to experience! It will all be restored!
4. Most importantly, heaven is a place where we will enjoy our RELATIONSHIP with God. We will be in His presence and with His people. There will be no more separation or distance with God, but instead total enjoyment and fellowship. WOW. My heart longs for it all the more!
5. Heaven is only for God’s people, for those who are trusting in Christ alone for salvation.
My Mom has lost 18 pounds. She is not eating. They predict she has approximately two weeks at most to live.
And this is what awaits her…
I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.
(Revelation 2:3-7)
I am flooded with memories. The other day when my Dad and I were leaving Mom, we heard a familiar voice in one of the neighboring rooms. We peeked in and saw that it was the Director of the first day center Mom went to in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She remembered us well and we had a good conversation. And, something about that conversation brought it all full circle. I remembered those early stages. My sweet Mom was then so much like my 4-year-old daughter is now. She was childlike, dependent, precious.
I remember when we took Mom to a full-time care facility. It was agonizing. Amazing that love can sometimes be so agonizing – that God have us this capacity to feel and grieve and connect and miss connecting. And, it was His agonizing love on the Cross that brought such freedom. I am not alone in this suffering. I have a great Savior who understands what it means to grieve and break and weep. But, not in despair. With hope and assurance.
When we left Mom for the first evening at the full-time facility, it struck me (quite painfully) that this would be the first time in my parent’s marriage that they would sleep in separate beds. It felt like a canyon had been placed between them. We were only two blocks away, but it felt like she was sleeping on another continent. I remember watching my Dad kiss her goodbye, assuring her he’d see her in the morning. He turned away with a smile, as the tears welled up in his eyes. God gave her such grace. She just smiled, slightly puzzled, but somehow knowing everything would be ok. And, the nurses came in to spend time with her while we headed out the door. It was one of the most difficult nights of my life.
Tonight it hit me that this is more than me going away to college and not seeing her for a few weeks. It’s more than leaving her at the Day Center till work lets out. It’s more than saying, “We’ll see you in the morning.” This is the last time I’ll see my Mom in her earthly form. The last time I’ll touch her skin, see her eyes, watch her head turn toward me.
I can’t do anything but sob.
It hurts beyond measure. But, I do not despair. There is a reality beyond what I see now. There is a future hope, that I realize is completely counter-culture to this world, yet that is absolutely real.
I remember as a child talking to my Dad a lot about Heaven. He taught me so much about the glory of God, what worship may look like in heaven, and about our new bodies. These conversations were always filled with such questions, wonder, and also excitement.
Our reality now is two-fold: My Mom is about to die, and my Mom is about to be restored. Her race is coming to an end, but there is a new beginning.
A couple years ago, our Pastor spent some time preaching on Heaven. These are some things that I remember:
1. Heaven is a real place, involving a re-created heaven and earth. It’s not just a spiritual world.
2. Heaven is a city where the effects of the curse of sin are reversed. It’s a HUGE city where the Glory of God is its light. There is nothing unclean, and there is no presence or consequence of sin. It is stunningly beautiful! (Revelation 21:3-7)
3. In Heaven, life will be lived. We will function in worshipful living. We will work, learn, have relationships, community, responsibility, worship, and we will rule over something. We will experience all that we were created to experience! It will all be restored!
4. Most importantly, heaven is a place where we will enjoy our RELATIONSHIP with God. We will be in His presence and with His people. There will be no more separation or distance with God, but instead total enjoyment and fellowship. WOW. My heart longs for it all the more!
5. Heaven is only for God’s people, for those who are trusting in Christ alone for salvation.
My Mom has lost 18 pounds. She is not eating. They predict she has approximately two weeks at most to live.
And this is what awaits her…
I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.
(Revelation 2:3-7)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What's To Come
We’ve often thought this is how it might end. We’ve heard so many instances of Alzheimer’s patients’ coming down with a bad cold and in the course of it, they forget how to swallow. They stop eating. Mom’s last full meal was on Friday. Since then, she’s had about 8 oz. of a liquid or puree’ each day.
As much as you think you are ready for something like this, especially when it’s tarried so long, you never are. And, as much and often as I pray, “Jesus, take her Home…” I want to continue to see her face, to touch her hands, to see her eyes.
Today she was so thin. She’s lost 10 pounds. Her face is lean. Her movements are diverse and less predictable. She is often extending her arms, as if she’s reaching for something. How I’d love to climb right in and hold each other through this.
We all gathered there today around her. When I look at her, it’s a mixture of emotion. First, it’s the reality of her struggling, of her frailty. Then, I’m flooded with memories – beautiful memories of her.
But, the greatest beauty in all of this all is the marriage of my parents and how deeply they love each other and cling to each other.
When I saw my Dad’s persistence defeated as Mom would not eat, my heart broke. I saw his fear, his concern, and him stepping into the reality of “this could really be it”. The Lord showed such compassion in that moment by helping her swallow about 8 oz. of applesauce. Such grace and kindness to us today! He is a living God! He worked mightily in that moment to strengthen and encourage!
Once my Mom was changed and back in bed, my Dad stroked her cheek so tenderly. Her trembling body settles when he touches her face. She tastes such peace with his hands. He settles her, just like she used to settle us when we were upset. Like she would comb through my hair with her fingers or touch my face gently, and let me lie on her lap till I was settled. I love how our family provides this for each other.
I've never seen love displayed so tenderly and powerfully as when I watch my parents. My Dad extends it freely and my Mom receives it so well. She has always clung to him to tightly and beautifully. I understand why they don't want to let go of each other.
My Mom loves A’s voice. I can talk till I’m blue in the face, sometimes without her opening her eyes, but when she hears A’s voice, she brightens. My sweet girl told Mom how Jesus is always with her, even when we are not. And, how we've been praying for her. And, she proceeded to tell her stories about her favorite instruments and toys, and things she loves to do. It was adorable, and my Mom opened her eyes and listened the entire time A spoke. It was a tremendous blessing! So satisfying!
She also turned slightly toward me as I shared some of my precious memories of her – of cookies and cinnamon rolls and strawberries and shopping. I KNOW she heard me. I felt so content and satisfied having spent the day there with her. How I miss her! How thankful I am for my daughter! I was praying for contentment in my heart this morning and my heart is so content, so blessed.
It’s so odd to have such mixture of emotions. To want someone to be with the Lord so badly so the trembling and hunger and tarrying can cease. But, then wanting to stay in her room for days and weeks just talking to her about everything and anything I can think of – to get all my talking out so that I will never feel like I haven’t said enough or all that I wanted to.
He is my Comforter. I sense His presence so near and see all the more the reality of my future in Him. My hope is secure!
I remember my Mom telling me several times throughout life, when she was having a tough day, “I’m so ready for Heaven!” I can see it in her face now. I know she is ready, and she has nothing at all to fear. She knows the One who is taking her there. She’s ready.
I know that in these years of great suffering for my Mom, He has ministered to her like no other. He has comforted her beyond measure. I sense this comfort now myself. He is a living God! A merciful and gracious God! A redeeming God! A restoring God!
I’ve been reading through John 14 – on the wonderful place He’s prepared for those who have trusted in Christ.
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”
“No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”
Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!”
Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.”
Jesus replied, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and yet you still don’t know who I am? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father! So why are you asking me to show him to you? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words I speak are not my own, but my Father who lives in me does his work through me. Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do.
“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!
“If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you. No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them.”
Judas (not Judas Iscariot, but the other disciple with that name) said to him, “Lord, why are you going to reveal yourself only to us and not to the world at large?”
Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me. I am telling you these things now while I am still with you. But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do happen, you will believe.
“I don’t have much more time to talk to you, because the ruler of this world approaches. He has no power over me, but I will do what the Father requires of me, so that the world will know that I love the Father. Come, let’s be going."
As much as you think you are ready for something like this, especially when it’s tarried so long, you never are. And, as much and often as I pray, “Jesus, take her Home…” I want to continue to see her face, to touch her hands, to see her eyes.
Today she was so thin. She’s lost 10 pounds. Her face is lean. Her movements are diverse and less predictable. She is often extending her arms, as if she’s reaching for something. How I’d love to climb right in and hold each other through this.
We all gathered there today around her. When I look at her, it’s a mixture of emotion. First, it’s the reality of her struggling, of her frailty. Then, I’m flooded with memories – beautiful memories of her.
But, the greatest beauty in all of this all is the marriage of my parents and how deeply they love each other and cling to each other.
When I saw my Dad’s persistence defeated as Mom would not eat, my heart broke. I saw his fear, his concern, and him stepping into the reality of “this could really be it”. The Lord showed such compassion in that moment by helping her swallow about 8 oz. of applesauce. Such grace and kindness to us today! He is a living God! He worked mightily in that moment to strengthen and encourage!
Once my Mom was changed and back in bed, my Dad stroked her cheek so tenderly. Her trembling body settles when he touches her face. She tastes such peace with his hands. He settles her, just like she used to settle us when we were upset. Like she would comb through my hair with her fingers or touch my face gently, and let me lie on her lap till I was settled. I love how our family provides this for each other.
I've never seen love displayed so tenderly and powerfully as when I watch my parents. My Dad extends it freely and my Mom receives it so well. She has always clung to him to tightly and beautifully. I understand why they don't want to let go of each other.
My Mom loves A’s voice. I can talk till I’m blue in the face, sometimes without her opening her eyes, but when she hears A’s voice, she brightens. My sweet girl told Mom how Jesus is always with her, even when we are not. And, how we've been praying for her. And, she proceeded to tell her stories about her favorite instruments and toys, and things she loves to do. It was adorable, and my Mom opened her eyes and listened the entire time A spoke. It was a tremendous blessing! So satisfying!
She also turned slightly toward me as I shared some of my precious memories of her – of cookies and cinnamon rolls and strawberries and shopping. I KNOW she heard me. I felt so content and satisfied having spent the day there with her. How I miss her! How thankful I am for my daughter! I was praying for contentment in my heart this morning and my heart is so content, so blessed.
It’s so odd to have such mixture of emotions. To want someone to be with the Lord so badly so the trembling and hunger and tarrying can cease. But, then wanting to stay in her room for days and weeks just talking to her about everything and anything I can think of – to get all my talking out so that I will never feel like I haven’t said enough or all that I wanted to.
He is my Comforter. I sense His presence so near and see all the more the reality of my future in Him. My hope is secure!
I remember my Mom telling me several times throughout life, when she was having a tough day, “I’m so ready for Heaven!” I can see it in her face now. I know she is ready, and she has nothing at all to fear. She knows the One who is taking her there. She’s ready.
I know that in these years of great suffering for my Mom, He has ministered to her like no other. He has comforted her beyond measure. I sense this comfort now myself. He is a living God! A merciful and gracious God! A redeeming God! A restoring God!
I’ve been reading through John 14 – on the wonderful place He’s prepared for those who have trusted in Christ.
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”
“No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”
Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!”
Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.”
Jesus replied, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and yet you still don’t know who I am? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father! So why are you asking me to show him to you? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words I speak are not my own, but my Father who lives in me does his work through me. Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do.
“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!
“If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you. No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them.”
Judas (not Judas Iscariot, but the other disciple with that name) said to him, “Lord, why are you going to reveal yourself only to us and not to the world at large?”
Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me. I am telling you these things now while I am still with you. But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do happen, you will believe.
“I don’t have much more time to talk to you, because the ruler of this world approaches. He has no power over me, but I will do what the Father requires of me, so that the world will know that I love the Father. Come, let’s be going."
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