You will be my outlet today. Frustrations are arising within me and have been for
days. This week has been a hard
one for dad and I. Perhaps it has
been hard for mom as well; though, we often cannot see into her world as
vividly and understandably as we would desire.
I seriously cannot tell
whether this week has merely been a more challenging week, or if mom is really
beginning to decline further. I
suppose I have grown accustomed to how it has been lately. I have been content where she is. I have made a home in her illness, so
to speak. For months, I have not
questioned it or wondered. All has
been well.
But, this week, she could
not recognize certain words. She
could not accomplish simple tasks.
She could not follow instructions.
And, she was very easily flustered and confused. She seems to have lost her place. She seems to be in a world that she can
almost no longer comprehend. And,
this quite honestly breaks my heart.
A friend of mine’s best
friend's father is dying right now of cancer. I have heard the details of his final moments. Sometimes such moments seem too
unbearable for me. And, yet I know
that moment will come for my mom.
It frightens me. As much as
I am learning to face grief, I don’t want to have to face that. I do not want to hold my mom’s hand a
final time. I do not want to watch
the life escape her body. What
will I do?
There are moments when I
can imagine the joy and glory of knowing that mom is finally in Heaven with the
Lord. But, for some reason today
all I can do is weep. I weep for
what I see now and for what is yet to come. I weep because I know that she is changing each day, and it
will not stop. I weep because
disease hurts so bad. I weep
because my dad will be alone one day.
I weep because my nephew has to watch my mom decline, and he does
not understand what is happening.
And, I weep because in time, I may be an unrecognizable face to the
woman who brought me into this world.
The frustration builds
and we remain asking the Lord to give us greater love and patience than we have
had yet up to this point.
“Blessed
be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God
of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to
comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we
ourselves are comforted by God; you also are joining in helping us through your
prayers, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor
bestowed upon us through the prayers of many.” 1 Cor. 1: 3-4, 11.
In
constant need of prayer and grace...
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