October 2001 Archive

Dear friends, you have observed the journal of my thoughts.  You are the lines on which I pen this story.  In fact, you have become a part of the story, because in reading you share in the memories of my family.  

I realized yesterday that the stories I share with you are precious, but momentary.  And, with each changing moment, the stories alter and quite possibly will lessen over time. And it makes me wonder, what will happen when I can no longer tell you the silly things that mom does?  What will happen when I can no longer hear her voice?  What will happen when I can not feel her gentle touch, or smell the scent on her pillow, or see her smile at dad?

The other night, I found myself longing for a womanly influence in our home.  My sister is now married and out of the house, and although my dad tries so hard, it's just not the same.  Thus, the other night, I looked at my mom and wished that she would return to me.  I longed to hear the advice she once gave me.  However, I think in the end, I will miss her presence and love more than her words.  Even though she cannot offer me grand wisdom or motivational words right now, she is near me.  She is my shadow… the one who follows me wherever I go.  She is near and that is comforting. 

Occasionally, I have moments when the Lord reminds me of the reality of the fact that one day she will no longer be here.  Her absence is what frightens me most.  I do not want to lose her.

I know that the Lord’s timing is perfect.  I trust that.  And, there have been many moments when I wished that this would all be over quickly.  But, right now I feel like time is soaring past me.  I feel like each day I lose another part of her.  I see the digression, and I wonder, “Why Lord, why so soon?  Can we have some more time?”  I wonder how much longer it will be.  When will her ability to communicate cease?  When will she forget my face?  The Lord knows best and He gives greater grace with each moment. 

Mom is sitting on my bed right now.  She is holding my stuffed animal, Turtle.  She is telling me, “He needs his mama.”  I'm his mama.  She is babysitting my animals for me while I type.  Her motherly ways are ever-present.

 I’d like to end with a thought by Amy Carmichael.  She said, “I had feelings of fear about the future… The devil kept on whispering, ‘It’s alright now, but what about the afterward?  You are going to be very lonely.’ … and I turned to my God in kind of desperation and said, ‘Lord, what can I do?  How can I go to the end?’ and He said, ‘None of them that trust in Me shall be desolate.’  That word has been with me ever since.”  Amen.