My mother has Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed in 2000, the year before I graduated college. It was a very emotional time, especially those early years. I have endless journal entries telling the story of her illness from before diagnosis to current day, the many things I miss and grieve, and the precious memories and praises.
A and I went to visit Mom today, but we were not seen by her. We were in front of her, shared a meal, walked the gardens, but perhaps never really signed in at the desk, for she did not notice us.
I looked at some photos this evening of a visit we had with Mom when A was about 8 months old, a little over a year ago. It was an entirely different experience. Mom reached for my girl, and she reached for me. We smiled. It broke me this evening to look at those photos. I miss simply being noticed. I miss being seen.
It's strange to survey a room of seniors to realize that my 20 month old is more advanced developmentally. The same woman who taught me how to hold a spoon and fork is now fed by another's hands. And, there A sits feeding herself. I've taught her what Mom taught me, and yet I don't feel as if A knows Mom. My little lovey stares at her Mammie almost wondering what's going on. It struck me so strongly today that it is my responsibility to teach my little girl about my amazing Mom. I want her to know her through my stories. I must be attentive to this. Her legacy is too precious to stop being told.
I kissed her when we left. A hugged her. And, tonight, I just really miss her. And, I know that a great deal of the heart I have as a mother came from what I received from her.
I love you, Mom. I think the hardest I ever cried was the night we took you from my childhood home to your new home. Who would ever imagined all that has taken place? And, yet nothing is hidden from the Lord, and in your dark room tonight as you sleep, His presence is with you. His provision, protection, and promise remains true for you. I pray His comfort is ever in your mind and heart. I long for the day you are fully restored to Him. And, one day, we'll catch up there. Till then, I'll keep loving you here, and praying you through.
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4 comments:
Wow. Brings tears to my eyes. You are a faithful, loving daughter and wonderful to know that someday you will see eachother in HIS presence and she will have her arms open waiting for you and A (and S of course).
Oh Jocie- my heart breaks for you and your family. I realized looking at your gorgeous photos this evening that something was missing... Your mom's smile.
I admire you for trusting the Lord so wholly with this situation, and thank you for allowing your earthly friends and family to support you.
I am touched by the way you can put your thoughts into words.
Here's to Sharon's legacy!
Love you- Robin
Jocelyn, I am so sorry. I had no idea. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face for you... I can't imagine. I admire your strength and courage in this situation, your reliance on the Lord and your commitment to passing on your mom's legacy. You are a blessing to both your mom and your daughter (and to me as well!)
Jocelyn,
I can't imagine how tough it is to sit back and watch this terrible disease and the affects it has on your mother. How wonderful it will be to teach Adah about your mother's legacy as she grows older. I can only imagine what a wonderful mother she has been to you. May God continue to strengthen you and remind you of the wonderful memories you have of your mom. Though you didn't "see" your mom on this last trip, I know that you see her in your heart. You still love her so.
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