The Valley of Vision

I can't read this prayer enough. It's found in "The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions".

"Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the rejoicing soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter the stars shine;
Let me find thy in the darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Sloppy Spirituality

I feel sloppy this week. Clothes dishevelled, hair a mess, gaze elsewhere. It's as if I can't quite formulate my thoughts to make sense out loud.

Sometimes the appeal of the things of this world can be pretty powerful. It's easy to get sloppy in our spirituality, or better-said, in our pursuit of holiness. And, it's not always that we're not spending time in His Word, but our heart and mind may not be in it when we are. I had many days this past week when I sat with His Word open before me, and my heart was captivated by other things. I was even placing my hope in those things. And yet He calls me to trust and place my hope in the fact that He IS reality and all His promies of past and future, are true.

I had a friend a few months ago take me aside and say with tears in her eyes, "There are many ways to spend your time, and many of those ways are not bad in themselves. They can be very good things. But, don't do them at cost of losing sight of Him. He's jealous for you. He desires that you spend time with Him." I'm thankful for those words returning to me this week.

There are so many "good" things that can draw us away from Him, subtly requiring worship, and I am easily captivated by them. And, yet we are challenged to not have any gods before Him.

My sloppiness is in direct correlation to knowing His Word. I attended Bible College years ago and in that setting felt sharp, challenged, knowledgeable. I could quote Scripture left and right because I spent a large portion of my day in His Word, and if not through personal study, in classes. I rarely had a moment apart from it. This is not to say that the same temptation did not exist then, but I am even more challenged today to STUDY, to learn and to grow.

Sometimes I feel as if I've been cursed with a faulty memory. I remember many of things I wish I wouldn't: wrongs done to me, faults of others, painful experiences, and yet I struggle to have a wealth of Scripture committed to memory. Yes, we are part of this world and living in it means experiencing pain, sin, regrets, etc. Yet I don't want to excuse Scripture memorization because I'm not good at memorizing. I know for a fact that the more I quote Scripture to my daughter, the more I remember it myself. I want to speak more out loud. I want Scripture to be a part of my daily vocabulary. I do not want to be spiritually sloppy.

I was challenged on Sunday morning by a statement made in class, "It's foolish to expect the Holy Spirit to give you words to speak in situation when there's nothing in your heart to draw upon." I want a storehouse of verses, a wealth of truth for Him to draw upon.

On a totally different note: ;) I've been realizing what God is calling me to right now, beyond obedience and holiness. For so long, we had planned on living and serving overseas. In a sense, I was not nervous at all to communicate truth in another context and culture. I was eager to learn that culture and speak truth in that context in a way that could be understood. The challenge to me now is doing that here, in my own culture. Sometimes it's easy to think of how very different we are from our culture. It's as simple as being in a setting of unbelievers and realizing how very differently you view the conversation or topic at hand. And, people notice this. And, yet at the same time, we are LIGHT and we are a FRAGRANCE of Christ to those who are perishing. I've been challenged this week that as different as we are, we are still also similar. We speak the same language, live in the same area, face many similar situations, and all deep down-- are sinners. I think that alone causes us to be a little more gracious and to want to extend that truth and grace to those who do not know it.

All this to say, I want to store up His truth in my heart and mind so that I can honor Him in each opportunity presented to me, but also so I can honor Him in how I think and live.

I'm off to comb my hair and fix my gaze upon the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Visit to Mom

My mother has Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed in 2000, the year before I graduated college. It was a very emotional time, especially those early years. I have endless journal entries telling the story of her illness from before diagnosis to current day, the many things I miss and grieve, and the precious memories and praises.

A and I went to visit Mom today, but we were not seen by her. We were in front of her, shared a meal, walked the gardens, but perhaps never really signed in at the desk, for she did not notice us.

I looked at some photos this evening of a visit we had with Mom when A was about 8 months old, a little over a year ago. It was an entirely different experience. Mom reached for my girl, and she reached for me. We smiled. It broke me this evening to look at those photos. I miss simply being noticed. I miss being seen.

It's strange to survey a room of seniors to realize that my 20 month old is more advanced developmentally. The same woman who taught me how to hold a spoon and fork is now fed by another's hands. And, there A sits feeding herself. I've taught her what Mom taught me, and yet I don't feel as if A knows Mom. My little lovey stares at her Mammie almost wondering what's going on. It struck me so strongly today that it is my responsibility to teach my little girl about my amazing Mom. I want her to know her through my stories. I must be attentive to this. Her legacy is too precious to stop being told.

I kissed her when we left. A hugged her. And, tonight, I just really miss her. And, I know that a great deal of the heart I have as a mother came from what I received from her.

I love you, Mom. I think the hardest I ever cried was the night we took you from my childhood home to your new home. Who would ever imagined all that has taken place? And, yet nothing is hidden from the Lord, and in your dark room tonight as you sleep, His presence is with you. His provision, protection, and promise remains true for you. I pray His comfort is ever in your mind and heart. I long for the day you are fully restored to Him. And, one day, we'll catch up there. Till then, I'll keep loving you here, and praying you through.