We all have things we don’t like to clean up after. Our desks. Dirty dishes. Laundry. The car. Emotional messes or consequences from careless words. Cleaning up, in any sense of the concept, is hard work.
As a mother of a preschooler, one of my least-favorite messes to clean up is the “I was too busy playing to stop and go potty” messes’ that my daughter sometimes likes to share with me. How easy it is to allow frustration and irritation to build in these moments, wishing that this would never happen, or if it must, just one last time.
But, we aren’t like that, are we? Our sin isn’t like that. We’re dirty, messy, and often weary.
Paul Miller, in his book A Praying Life, says,
“Jesus didn’t come for the righteous. He came for sinners. All of us qualify. The very things we try to get rid of – our weariness, our distractedness, our messiness – are all what get us in the front door! That’s how the Gospel works… In bringing yourself to Jesus, you give Him the opportunity to work on the real you… God would much rather deal with the real thing. Jesus said He came for sinners, for messed-up people who keep messing up (Luke 15:1-2). Come dirty!” (33-34)
This truth encouraged me greatly the other day. I could hardly wait for my daughter to wake up, so that I could share with her how the Lord was admonishing me! When she woke, I embraced her tenderly and enthusiastically and said, “Honey, no matter how many times you get dirty, I will always be here to help you clean up. And, the same is true with Jesus and your sin! You can come to Him with a dirty heart, full of sin, and He will clean you as you trust in His work on the cross!” She seemed encouraged and consequently had a much better day – we both did, keeping this bigger picture in perspective.
This leads me to recall the priests’ regular sacrifices prior to Christ’s finished work on the cross. Never sufficient in reaching the hearts of the people, the sacrifices were merely an outward symbol for cleansing. Their attempts were done repeatedly yet never fully atoned for sin. But, Christ, in His great work of salvation on the cross, has atoned for sin once for all!
Our Great High Priest, who sympathizes with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15), who offers grace and mercy (Hebrews 4:16), is all-sufficient! He offered Himself once for all so that there is no need to do it again – no need for Atonement Day each year. His Work is completely done. And, He is able to save us forever because He ministers before the Father forever. He has the power to hold and keep us, despite our on-going failings. He remembers our sin no more. This is true and eternal forgiveness. The barrier has been torn, and we can now boldly come.
This should encourage us! Despite our on-going failings, because of Christ’s Work on the cross, I am extended continual grace and mercy. This is the same grace and mercy I want to grasp in light of my own sin, and also extend to others, even when it’s messy.
We’ve been reading a book with our daughter recently, and it has become one of her favorites. It is called The Priest with Dirty Clothes (http://www.ligonier.org/store/the-priest-with-dirty-clothes-hardcover/) by R.C. Sproul. It’s about a priest who can’t approach the King because His clothes are ruined. After trying every possible means and failing, the priest visits the Great Prince, his only possible hope to stand before the King. It’s a great story of Christ’s righteousness standing in our place before God, and I highly recommend it to every family!
So, if you’re a believer in Christ, be encouraged – He has declared you righteous! And, all the cleaning-up you think you have yet to do, and even get discouraged by, be assured that He’s already done it for you. It’s completely done! We can come to Him, just as we are, and know that our standing is secure.
“But God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Friday, April 16, 2010
My List of Things to Do
This past week as my daughter and I drove to the supermarket, I was dwelling on Galatians 5:13 which says, “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” This led me to consider fresh ideas for service, pondering how to better give of myself for His glory. One moment later, I was presented with a unique opportunity to serve another individual.
We pulled into the parking lot, opened the car doors, and were greeted by an elderly woman who inquired if we would like her cart. I quickly and rather kindly responded, “Oh, no thank you! We plan to use a basket today!” Cheerily, I walked to the trunk to retrieve our shopping bags and then stopped dead in my tracks. I thought to myself, “Oh my. That poor woman! She doesn’t want to take that cart back herself! What was I thinking?” I rushed back over, helped her put all the groceries in her car, had a lovely chat, and returned her cart to the store.
Did you catch why I initially declined helping her with her cart? Because I wanted a basket. I didn’t need a cart. I had planned to use a basket that day. I could not see past my own plan to the need of another individual.
Do you ever find yourself making lists of things to do? I love lists. I even use an application on our computer that posts little “stickies” on our desktop. That’s how much I love lists! I find they help me to stay on task. There is just one problem with my list-obsession.
If you’ve ever read the Frog and Toad books by Arnold Lobel, there is one particular story called, The List. Toad loses his list of things to do and is quite upset, but he will not chase after it because it was not on his list of things to do. The story is absolutely hilarious, that is until you see yourself in it! Are we not also like this? We govern and plan our days, leaving little room for how He might want to orchestrate divine appointments for His glory and our good. I was so set on using a basket that I couldn’t see the need right in front of me. Perhaps the illustration seems trite and silly, but I pray these verses do not:
“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)
*Each detail of every day is within His sovereign care. He makes and orchestrates our days. This means that He both holds and brings interruptions – they are catalysts for His glory and our good, even for our growth!
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. Whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 4:10-11)
*We serve each other with the strength He gives us, not of our own strength. And our service is to bring glory to Him. Above any list or plan for the day should be our desire to please and glorify Him.
The other day I read a prayer for Christian women by John Piper. He prayed, “My earnest challenge and prayer for you is that you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific calling; that you not fritter away your time… that you redeem the time for Christ and His Kingdom.” I was challenged as to how I view “my time”. Now this is not to say that we all don’t need time alone and to ourselves, because I think we do. Being an introvert by nature, if I was around people all the time, I just might combust. But here is my main point:
*We need to be constantly aware and attentive to the needs around us. We need to be dependant on Him and not ourselves to meet those needs. We must remember that our days are His and we are to be obedient to what He places before us. Yet we must also understand this: our obedience is only possible by the strength that He gives us through His Spirit. He feeds His sheep; He feeds the multitudes. Our every ounce of energy and endurance comes from Him.
The challenge is simply this – ask for open eyes and a spirit that is dependent on Him, not on your own strength. And, guard your life from idleness. Be active at putting others before yourselves, serve your families, and do not be selfish with your time and gifts. Our lives are really not our own. Our lists must always leave room for changes.
“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Galatians 5:13)
We pulled into the parking lot, opened the car doors, and were greeted by an elderly woman who inquired if we would like her cart. I quickly and rather kindly responded, “Oh, no thank you! We plan to use a basket today!” Cheerily, I walked to the trunk to retrieve our shopping bags and then stopped dead in my tracks. I thought to myself, “Oh my. That poor woman! She doesn’t want to take that cart back herself! What was I thinking?” I rushed back over, helped her put all the groceries in her car, had a lovely chat, and returned her cart to the store.
Did you catch why I initially declined helping her with her cart? Because I wanted a basket. I didn’t need a cart. I had planned to use a basket that day. I could not see past my own plan to the need of another individual.
Do you ever find yourself making lists of things to do? I love lists. I even use an application on our computer that posts little “stickies” on our desktop. That’s how much I love lists! I find they help me to stay on task. There is just one problem with my list-obsession.
If you’ve ever read the Frog and Toad books by Arnold Lobel, there is one particular story called, The List. Toad loses his list of things to do and is quite upset, but he will not chase after it because it was not on his list of things to do. The story is absolutely hilarious, that is until you see yourself in it! Are we not also like this? We govern and plan our days, leaving little room for how He might want to orchestrate divine appointments for His glory and our good. I was so set on using a basket that I couldn’t see the need right in front of me. Perhaps the illustration seems trite and silly, but I pray these verses do not:
“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)
*Each detail of every day is within His sovereign care. He makes and orchestrates our days. This means that He both holds and brings interruptions – they are catalysts for His glory and our good, even for our growth!
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. Whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 4:10-11)
*We serve each other with the strength He gives us, not of our own strength. And our service is to bring glory to Him. Above any list or plan for the day should be our desire to please and glorify Him.
The other day I read a prayer for Christian women by John Piper. He prayed, “My earnest challenge and prayer for you is that you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific calling; that you not fritter away your time… that you redeem the time for Christ and His Kingdom.” I was challenged as to how I view “my time”. Now this is not to say that we all don’t need time alone and to ourselves, because I think we do. Being an introvert by nature, if I was around people all the time, I just might combust. But here is my main point:
*We need to be constantly aware and attentive to the needs around us. We need to be dependant on Him and not ourselves to meet those needs. We must remember that our days are His and we are to be obedient to what He places before us. Yet we must also understand this: our obedience is only possible by the strength that He gives us through His Spirit. He feeds His sheep; He feeds the multitudes. Our every ounce of energy and endurance comes from Him.
The challenge is simply this – ask for open eyes and a spirit that is dependent on Him, not on your own strength. And, guard your life from idleness. Be active at putting others before yourselves, serve your families, and do not be selfish with your time and gifts. Our lives are really not our own. Our lists must always leave room for changes.
“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Galatians 5:13)
Bridging the Gap of Disconnect
I can listen intently, take thorough notes, and have maximum motivation for implementing truth into daily life. My challenge is acting. I’m sure you’ve read about me in the book of James. I’m the person who listens well, stores up knowledge, but when the time comes to use it, I casually, yet often deliberately chose to forget it. I’ve been known on occasion to even run the other way.
I’m challenged by the following verses: “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in all his doing.” (James 1:22-25)
Do you find it slightly astonishing, perhaps even appalling that we choose to walk away from being blessed in all we do? The passage clearly states that the one who looks at the law and perseveres --who acts-- will be blessed in all he does. So, what is it that causes me to retreat when I’ve received such specific marching orders? Am I lazy? Careless? Clearly, I am a sinner. How I need to be more attentive, more diligent in allowing Scripture to penetrate the depths of my heart and mind.
Consider James 1:19-20: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” I shout an “Amen” in my head when I read this. Yet shortly after, I find myself doing exactly the opposite. I find myself voicing and acting on my annoyances and irritations rather than displaying patience and love. I choose to look at offenses and hold people to them rather than overlooking them. (1 Peter 4:8) How can I believe something so strongly and yet live so contrary?
I believe it starts here: God is holy and I am a desperate, needy sinner. Only He can do this work in me, and only His behavior and His heart are worth emulating. Only His law is worth writing on my heart. And sometimes it’s a good idea to write it on all the walls of my house – to post it everywhere, lest my feeble mind forget it. My heart is deceitful above all else and cannot be easily trusted. I need to be constantly in His Word, training myself in truth, storing it up not just to know but to also use it. There must be application through the strength I receive by His Spirit.
I want His Word to be the morsel I long for and acquire. I want Him to be the refuge I run to not only when I’m needy, but also when I’m angry, when I’m disobedient, when I need forgiveness, when I need humility, etc. I want to spend more time in His Word and more time acting on it.
Proverbs 3:3-8 states, “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
Refrain from anger and practice kindness. This type of love does not come from being wise in my own eyes; it comes from being wise in Him. I can acknowledge Him in how I display kindness to others and in daily circumstances. And how amazing to think that through this, I can receive healing in my bones, straightness to my path, and refreshment amidst a sin-sick world. I resonate with this.
I want to live faithfully. I don’t want to see a hypocrite or a liar when I see the reflection of my own heart. And, I know that only His Spirit and His Word can change me. This takes discipline and diligence. I cannot afford to be lazy. I can’t be so foolish so as to not care or not make it a priority. His Word is not motionless; it is living and active. I don’t want to be at a standstill; I want to see His Word living and active through me.
Titus 2:11 states, “For the grace of God has appeared, brining salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age.”
Let’s not sit at a standstill – let’s allow His Spirit and Word to transform us.
I’m challenged by the following verses: “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in all his doing.” (James 1:22-25)
Do you find it slightly astonishing, perhaps even appalling that we choose to walk away from being blessed in all we do? The passage clearly states that the one who looks at the law and perseveres --who acts-- will be blessed in all he does. So, what is it that causes me to retreat when I’ve received such specific marching orders? Am I lazy? Careless? Clearly, I am a sinner. How I need to be more attentive, more diligent in allowing Scripture to penetrate the depths of my heart and mind.
Consider James 1:19-20: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” I shout an “Amen” in my head when I read this. Yet shortly after, I find myself doing exactly the opposite. I find myself voicing and acting on my annoyances and irritations rather than displaying patience and love. I choose to look at offenses and hold people to them rather than overlooking them. (1 Peter 4:8) How can I believe something so strongly and yet live so contrary?
I believe it starts here: God is holy and I am a desperate, needy sinner. Only He can do this work in me, and only His behavior and His heart are worth emulating. Only His law is worth writing on my heart. And sometimes it’s a good idea to write it on all the walls of my house – to post it everywhere, lest my feeble mind forget it. My heart is deceitful above all else and cannot be easily trusted. I need to be constantly in His Word, training myself in truth, storing it up not just to know but to also use it. There must be application through the strength I receive by His Spirit.
I want His Word to be the morsel I long for and acquire. I want Him to be the refuge I run to not only when I’m needy, but also when I’m angry, when I’m disobedient, when I need forgiveness, when I need humility, etc. I want to spend more time in His Word and more time acting on it.
Proverbs 3:3-8 states, “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
Refrain from anger and practice kindness. This type of love does not come from being wise in my own eyes; it comes from being wise in Him. I can acknowledge Him in how I display kindness to others and in daily circumstances. And how amazing to think that through this, I can receive healing in my bones, straightness to my path, and refreshment amidst a sin-sick world. I resonate with this.
I want to live faithfully. I don’t want to see a hypocrite or a liar when I see the reflection of my own heart. And, I know that only His Spirit and His Word can change me. This takes discipline and diligence. I cannot afford to be lazy. I can’t be so foolish so as to not care or not make it a priority. His Word is not motionless; it is living and active. I don’t want to be at a standstill; I want to see His Word living and active through me.
Titus 2:11 states, “For the grace of God has appeared, brining salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age.”
Let’s not sit at a standstill – let’s allow His Spirit and Word to transform us.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Her Eyes
I am a dreamer by night, not usually by day. I have dreams of people and places, decisions, emotional dreams, spiritual dreams. I have dreams of my Mom.
This has happened many times before, but is often infrequent, perhaps similar to how my thoughts are of Mom from time to time. It may sound strange to the reader, but just as friends disappears from your everyday life and you don’t think of them as much, so does my Mom disappear from my thoughts quite often. She is not always on the forefront. Yet she is so deep within me that when I leave her presence, I often cry for the rest of the day.
Back to my dream. There she sat in her wheelchair and I next to her, longing for something more than her closed eyes and clutched hands. Some kind of communication. Some type of exchange. Then, something different happened. I saw her again, standing above her frail body, looking down upon herself. Healthy Mom, expressive Mom, talkative Mom, eyes-looking-at-me-Mom. There she was. And she looked at me and smiled, as if we hadn’t seen each other in such a long time. It was almost a look of pride, of affection, of all I hope to see in her when I visit. I was moved. And then she looked down and saw herself. She was almost shocked, saddened. She looked at me, trying to understand. I stared back at her puzzled eyes, and then I woke up.
I kept my eyes closed for a while that morning, staring at her face till I could not longer see it. I held on, trying to get back in that dream to perhaps have a conversation or just to look at her eyes again. But instead I was reminded of life now, of my dear husband next to me in bed, my daughter in the next room, and the day about to dawn. I was reminded of Mom’s reality. And I was reminded of the goodness of God to each of us in that reality. He has been so kind.
I told my sister the other day that I never miss Mom more than when I see her now. It’s painful. It’s all that I envisioned it to be. It’s the staring at blank, closed eyes. It’s the seeing her body change so drastically. It’s the watching saliva drip down from her lips and knowing her diaper needs to be changed or nails need to be trimmed. It’s the not having her know my daughter. It’s the not being able to pick up the phone and call her just to chat. It’s the missing her laugh and voice and tenderness. It’s that and so much more.
But I’m thankful for the dream for through it I remember her again. I want to dream a little more. How I miss her! How I miss those early Alz days when she was the most precious person you’d ever come to know. How gracefully she’s handled Alzheimer’s, by the grace of God. How He’s sustained her! And I know He sustains each of us. And I see how He’s working in our family because of Mom’s Alz. He is sovereign, faithful, and so glorious.
Far better than having her look into my eyes is knowing that one day soon, she will behold Him and see Him in all His glory! Even so, “Come, Lord Jesus!”
This has happened many times before, but is often infrequent, perhaps similar to how my thoughts are of Mom from time to time. It may sound strange to the reader, but just as friends disappears from your everyday life and you don’t think of them as much, so does my Mom disappear from my thoughts quite often. She is not always on the forefront. Yet she is so deep within me that when I leave her presence, I often cry for the rest of the day.
Back to my dream. There she sat in her wheelchair and I next to her, longing for something more than her closed eyes and clutched hands. Some kind of communication. Some type of exchange. Then, something different happened. I saw her again, standing above her frail body, looking down upon herself. Healthy Mom, expressive Mom, talkative Mom, eyes-looking-at-me-Mom. There she was. And she looked at me and smiled, as if we hadn’t seen each other in such a long time. It was almost a look of pride, of affection, of all I hope to see in her when I visit. I was moved. And then she looked down and saw herself. She was almost shocked, saddened. She looked at me, trying to understand. I stared back at her puzzled eyes, and then I woke up.
I kept my eyes closed for a while that morning, staring at her face till I could not longer see it. I held on, trying to get back in that dream to perhaps have a conversation or just to look at her eyes again. But instead I was reminded of life now, of my dear husband next to me in bed, my daughter in the next room, and the day about to dawn. I was reminded of Mom’s reality. And I was reminded of the goodness of God to each of us in that reality. He has been so kind.
I told my sister the other day that I never miss Mom more than when I see her now. It’s painful. It’s all that I envisioned it to be. It’s the staring at blank, closed eyes. It’s the seeing her body change so drastically. It’s the watching saliva drip down from her lips and knowing her diaper needs to be changed or nails need to be trimmed. It’s the not having her know my daughter. It’s the not being able to pick up the phone and call her just to chat. It’s the missing her laugh and voice and tenderness. It’s that and so much more.
But I’m thankful for the dream for through it I remember her again. I want to dream a little more. How I miss her! How I miss those early Alz days when she was the most precious person you’d ever come to know. How gracefully she’s handled Alzheimer’s, by the grace of God. How He’s sustained her! And I know He sustains each of us. And I see how He’s working in our family because of Mom’s Alz. He is sovereign, faithful, and so glorious.
Far better than having her look into my eyes is knowing that one day soon, she will behold Him and see Him in all His glory! Even so, “Come, Lord Jesus!”
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Something Lost, Something Gained
As each year passes, Christmas seems to change a bit in my heart and in our family. Perhaps it's the loosening of my grip on sentimentality of Christmas past. If it were up to me, I would cling tightly to the giddiness of Christmas Eve, to the new dress and doing up of hair, to the waking up early to unwrap treasures, to the packing up to visit family. I'd hold onto the dreaming and anticipation of what I would be receiving for Christmas. The eager expectation of what was to come. But what I've come to realize is that I actually had it all wrong.
I think we all seek to be pleased, to be happy, to get what we really want. I've written on that before so I won't go on too lengthily. But, my excitement of Christmas was really wrapped up all in me. My giddiness and anticipation, my dreaming and longing was all absorbed in what I would "get" for me. It was about what could be gained for myself.
This has been a slow progression of learning, but I think the first time this started to sink in was about 6 years ago when I lived at home with my dad and he forgot my birthday. I waited all day thinking that he would remember, but slowly realized that he probably forgot amidst all the responsibility in caring for Mom. At the close of dinner that evening, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said, "Dad, it's my birthday today." He truly felt sorry and tried to cheer me up and bought me a beautiful cake the next day, but I remember it all hurting so deeply. I remember feeling completely forgotten by both my parents. I had to try hard not to cry to S on the phone that night, so as not to appear petty. I was old enough to not need a cake and presents, right? Yet, I remember gaining such wealth from the pain of being forgotten. Perhaps it wasn't really about me getting. Did a birthday really require a celebration or gift? There was reason to reflect and celebrate but it certainly didn't demand a cake and icing. My treasure was not to be found in a present that I would soon forget. My true treasure could only be found and rooted in Christ.
So my passion and longing for Christ has deepened through the years. And, I suppose my enthusiasm for "the getting" has lessened a bit. I'm challenged to examine where I find my identity and worth. Is it in how I'm remembered or thought of? Is it it what I am given? Or is it in my identification as a child of God, freely and graciously forgiven by the Great High Priest, the One and Only true God? Astounding. I am precious to Him when others may fail or forget me.
This year, A and I worked on a Jesse Tree (http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?&pid=1602&srcid=1600) for the season of Advent, and I am humbled and thankful at all that we learned and were reminded of about our Great Savior. It is one of the first years in which I truly anticipated the Savior's birth as we read Scripture after Scripture pointing to His great plan of salvation! (Next year, we plan to do a Jesus or Bethlehem Tree (http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2137_jesus_tree/ for a similar idea, yet a little different) as a family.
Consequently, S and I began to ponder our Christmas traditions this year -- why we do what we do and all that. Perhaps we'll re-write our up-coming traditions, tweak them a tad, so we can more adequately remember and focus our hearts on Him each year. Not a doing thing, but a heart thing -- to remember Him, to love Him, to look upon Him with irrevocable gratitude and love. For His grace and mercy know no end. His choosing us is no mistake. And we are so precious to Him. How precious, how cherished, how immeasurable we desire our love to be for Him! This is the gift we desire to bring Him each year. And how wonderful to know that in Christ, we've received all that we ever truly need.
I think we all seek to be pleased, to be happy, to get what we really want. I've written on that before so I won't go on too lengthily. But, my excitement of Christmas was really wrapped up all in me. My giddiness and anticipation, my dreaming and longing was all absorbed in what I would "get" for me. It was about what could be gained for myself.
This has been a slow progression of learning, but I think the first time this started to sink in was about 6 years ago when I lived at home with my dad and he forgot my birthday. I waited all day thinking that he would remember, but slowly realized that he probably forgot amidst all the responsibility in caring for Mom. At the close of dinner that evening, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said, "Dad, it's my birthday today." He truly felt sorry and tried to cheer me up and bought me a beautiful cake the next day, but I remember it all hurting so deeply. I remember feeling completely forgotten by both my parents. I had to try hard not to cry to S on the phone that night, so as not to appear petty. I was old enough to not need a cake and presents, right? Yet, I remember gaining such wealth from the pain of being forgotten. Perhaps it wasn't really about me getting. Did a birthday really require a celebration or gift? There was reason to reflect and celebrate but it certainly didn't demand a cake and icing. My treasure was not to be found in a present that I would soon forget. My true treasure could only be found and rooted in Christ.
So my passion and longing for Christ has deepened through the years. And, I suppose my enthusiasm for "the getting" has lessened a bit. I'm challenged to examine where I find my identity and worth. Is it in how I'm remembered or thought of? Is it it what I am given? Or is it in my identification as a child of God, freely and graciously forgiven by the Great High Priest, the One and Only true God? Astounding. I am precious to Him when others may fail or forget me.
This year, A and I worked on a Jesse Tree (http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?&pid=1602&srcid=1600) for the season of Advent, and I am humbled and thankful at all that we learned and were reminded of about our Great Savior. It is one of the first years in which I truly anticipated the Savior's birth as we read Scripture after Scripture pointing to His great plan of salvation! (Next year, we plan to do a Jesus or Bethlehem Tree (http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2137_jesus_tree/ for a similar idea, yet a little different) as a family.
Consequently, S and I began to ponder our Christmas traditions this year -- why we do what we do and all that. Perhaps we'll re-write our up-coming traditions, tweak them a tad, so we can more adequately remember and focus our hearts on Him each year. Not a doing thing, but a heart thing -- to remember Him, to love Him, to look upon Him with irrevocable gratitude and love. For His grace and mercy know no end. His choosing us is no mistake. And we are so precious to Him. How precious, how cherished, how immeasurable we desire our love to be for Him! This is the gift we desire to bring Him each year. And how wonderful to know that in Christ, we've received all that we ever truly need.
Friday, July 31, 2009
well-suited
What's to Come
There she lay on the hospital bed, asleep, quiet, and might I add – beautiful. How can dying look so beautiful? It can. I assure you, it can.
Her death was not imminent, as in the near future, but it reminded me just how close it really is. She was having a very difficult day with a bladder infection and feeling very uncomfortable. And, yet seeing her lay there made us all realize – we’ll all be in that hospital room again, watching her lay on the bed, preparing for those final moments.
It’s odd to say that she looks more like my Mom when sleeping. I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand that, also. But, her eyes have not looked the same to me in a long time. And when I saw her laying there, eyes closed, resting – she looked just as if I walked into her bedroom years ago to wake her up to chat or play. She looked like all that I remember. Gorgeous. Dreaming. At rest. Healthy. Excited to see me.
What struck me even more was that she was resting. And, how I long for her to have eternal rest with our Lord. As much as I love seeing her, enjoy her presence, and don’t want to let her go, I long more for her restoration. Most of all, I long for His glory, and if that means more time for her here to accomplish His purposes, I readily agree and accept.
I came across a box of letters and photos the other night, and inside were three letters from my Mom. S walked in the room to find me in tears. I said, “I don’t even remember her anymore.” The letters were fragrant with her love, her fun spirit, her humor and sensitivity. And, they were lavished with her love and concern for me. How I miss that! How long it has been since I’ve sensed that or heard such things from her. And, yet I hear her in some things I say to my girl now. I’m reminded of her ways.
Alzheimer’s is so very long. It tarries. The clock ticks slowly. Come, Lord Jesus. And, remain our steadfast comfort till the end.
Her death was not imminent, as in the near future, but it reminded me just how close it really is. She was having a very difficult day with a bladder infection and feeling very uncomfortable. And, yet seeing her lay there made us all realize – we’ll all be in that hospital room again, watching her lay on the bed, preparing for those final moments.
It’s odd to say that she looks more like my Mom when sleeping. I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand that, also. But, her eyes have not looked the same to me in a long time. And when I saw her laying there, eyes closed, resting – she looked just as if I walked into her bedroom years ago to wake her up to chat or play. She looked like all that I remember. Gorgeous. Dreaming. At rest. Healthy. Excited to see me.
What struck me even more was that she was resting. And, how I long for her to have eternal rest with our Lord. As much as I love seeing her, enjoy her presence, and don’t want to let her go, I long more for her restoration. Most of all, I long for His glory, and if that means more time for her here to accomplish His purposes, I readily agree and accept.
I came across a box of letters and photos the other night, and inside were three letters from my Mom. S walked in the room to find me in tears. I said, “I don’t even remember her anymore.” The letters were fragrant with her love, her fun spirit, her humor and sensitivity. And, they were lavished with her love and concern for me. How I miss that! How long it has been since I’ve sensed that or heard such things from her. And, yet I hear her in some things I say to my girl now. I’m reminded of her ways.
Alzheimer’s is so very long. It tarries. The clock ticks slowly. Come, Lord Jesus. And, remain our steadfast comfort till the end.
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