Forgotten

In recent days when people ask me about my Mom, I find myself looking all around the room, trying to think of something to say. I search and search but I often come up rather empty. What can you say about a person when they no longer speak to you? How can you eloquently describe a disease that is not always very eloquent to watch? I often comment on the things we do when visiting her, what A may have done, and simple facts of our visit, scooting right past the real issues of my heart.

It wasn’t until this past week in chatting with my sister that I realized why this occurs. It’s because I didn’t realize where we now are. We’re almost at the end. We’ve entered that final season when there are no more words, expressions, or conversation. It is all quiet.

I can remember when my Mom was first placed in full-time care. There was a woman in the final stages of ALZ who was always in a reclining wheel chair, expressionless, and spoon-fed. S and I would often look at her, finding it hard to imagine the day when my Mom would be that woman.

But I think she is that woman now, and I almost don’t know what to feel about it. It’s strange because so much grieving goes on in the early years that you are in many ways prepared for the later years. And yet I find myself feeling very hurt and lonely, quite saddened when we visit my Mom. And I now I know why. She does not remember me anymore. She does not know me. Sometimes she does not even look in my direction. And I love her. How does it feel to love and receive nothing in return, especially from one’s own mother? It’s heartbreaking to say the least.

It all makes me treasure those years I was at home to help care for her before marrying S. Those were precious times spent and I’m so thankful for them. I realize that it is not Mom’s choosing to forget me, but rather the disease that is slowly, yet quickly taking her memory away by force. She is left with very little in this regard, but I do trust her spirit is being replenished and continually fed by His Spirit.

One day it will all be restored. I hope to embrace her in heaven, again being known, even though all the tears will then be gone. It will be a joy to see her healed and restored.

My Little Martha

I had to get a filling re-filled this morning at the dentist. ICK. My head has hurt ever since. But, the dentist sure is a gem. He’s very sweet and I think he does a great job, despite the hole he left in our wallets.

I returned home to see my sweet little child run to the door, with her baby doll in one hand and the doll’s bottle in the other. It was obvious that she was very much occupied, yet she juggled her tasks to greet me with a big smile and much chatter. I was overjoyed. I almost forgot my head hurt.

Later in the day while packing boxes, A looked at me and said, “You are a busy, busy bee! You need Martha and Bobby!” We both laughed hysterically. For any of you who have read the book, We Help Mommy by Eloise Wilkin, you will recall the busy mother trying to accomplish all her tasks with her two little tots helping her each step of the way. A proved to be a little Martha to me today and took great joy in packing the boxes. Her specialty was reminding me when I needed “more tape” and making me chuckle the whole way through.

So we are almost all packed. We went to our new apartment last night and got so excited! A joined me in running around the bedrooms in circles and then finally collapsing on the floor in laughter.

We’re excited and so blessed to have a wonderful crew of friends to help us with the move! It helps share the weight and stirs up immense thankfulness to be part of a body of believers. Love each of you!

Silly Quotes

These were some classics' A said this past week while S was away:

"I love JuJu (her favorite stuffed lion). He's such a great friend!"

"This medicine is just so tasty!"

"I'm tired. I miss Papa."

"Tell Mama what's wrong. Tell Mama what's happened." (speaking to herself)

"Your hair is beautiful! It's gorgeous! It's like brushing a rainbow!" (spoken to me while combing my hair one night)

"Goodness gracious!"

"I'm so tipsy turvy."

"There's a lion in our house." (as she crawls around the floor)

Hope Through Tears

It’s amazing the wide range of emotions and circumstances’ tears can span. While S has been away this past week, I think I have cried more than in my entire life. And it wasn’t simply because I was homesick for him, though I was, but it was because the Lord brought so many unique circumstances into my week to refine my faith in Him.

I began to wonder what was going on with our girl when she became very testy and was having trouble sleeping. Naps vanished from our routine and she was up for at least three hours a night. I had almost no moment to myself each day. What a challenge to not have S here to help me in such moments. There were times I just sobbed by A’s door, praying for her to go back to sleep, trying to gather just an ounce more of strength to help her through another night/day.

Though challenging, I’ve often found that the Lord wakes me up during the night for divine purposes… often to bring something to light—a sin or area I need to look at, or to pray for others. There is always a purpose. So this week, I had to seek that out—to see what I could be doing in those times when He had me awake. And, perhaps one of those purposes was simply to display love for my girl who ended up having an eye and ear infection. Perhaps it was just to care for her and display faithfulness and tenderness.

To me, the call to obedience seems almost do-able when I am fed, alert, and healthy. But, in the middle of the night, all my theology faces a screeching holt and I am faced with the question: Do you believe it enough now to place your trust in Me? Do you believe it enough to hold on to truth in this trial? Will you trust Me through it? Will you trust I am still in control? Will you cling to Me and My Word?

It is choosing to trust that He is in control and is good. He is faithful whatever should occur. And He does provide the grace and strength we need. My span of tears was great, but He has covered me with such grace and strength! How I rejoice that my life is hidden in Him!

Cereal Chatter

I had to laugh this morning at the breakfast table when A said to me, “Have some cereal. It’ll make you feel better.” I must have seemed pretty groggy. ;-) Our girl is just cracking us up left and right. I love the way she constructs her sentences and the funny things she says. She even has four made-up people/things that she likes to invite into our conversations simply for humor. They always seem to mimic whatever A is doing. She has such a creative little mind.

Today while making some blueberry buckle she said, “I need a boat to float!” We both cracked up laughing. It was a line from one of her favorite books. Once we finished baking, she said, “I’ll show you where ‘tis.” And sure enough, a few foot steps later, and page turns after, there we were at the right page in the book. She was so proud of herself that she gave me a gigantic hug.

Best job ever… being her Mama. LOVE it!

The Sign

There’s a big sign outside our window, and outside A’s window, and out on the fence that is so very distracting to me not only visually, but emotionally for some reason. “FOR RENT”. There it is in big, bold letters, drawing noise and attention to our quiet, little apartment. Feet come walking through our home, seeing our pens, cups, toothbrushes, bedspreads, books… things. Walking into our world… strangers.

Why does it bother me so? I love walking through other people’s homes. I find it so very interesting to see what they have inside their walls. In fact, I’m often the one walking down the street, peeking past curtain-views when the sun is beginning to fade and lights turn on. I love to see how people live. Perhaps that’s why it bothers me so; I don’t like strangers walking through our little home.

Deeper than this, though, is the change of it all. I’ve always had a hard time with change. A new walkway, place to park the car, door, windows, kitchen drawers, where we place the computer. Actually, the newness doesn’t bother me as much as leaving the oldness. And, once I’m gone I’m always fine, but it is the anticipation of the going when I miss what will be the “old”. I always get homesick while still in a place, and once I’m gone I’m completely fine. It’s like my process of grieving. In actuality, this makes a lot of sense because I’ve grieved my mom leaving this world while she is still very much alive. It’s the nature of her disease. And sometimes it becomes the nature of how I process things, even though I’ve done this long before she was ever sick.

So off we go, packing boxes, pulling out markers and writing directions, saying goodbye to our little home this past year. I’m homesick for it, and yet I am very excited for step two. God is SO kind to have provided us with this new place! It is just wonderful! I'll blog about that another day... this morning, I was so distracted by the big sign. LOL

Essential for Marriage

Just after we were engaged, I began to search for books on marriage. And although we read many, I can honestly say that the one I now recommend to all couples above any other is one S gave me a few weeks ago. It’s called, “When Sinners Say ‘I Do’: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage” by Dave Harvey. It is the most candid, thorough, deliberate, and gospel-centered book I’ve ever read on this topic.

Some marriage books give neat little suggestions, address how to deal with conflict, talk about sex, and give little bits of information to the husband and wife. But, this is the first book I’ve read that puts the Gospel at the center of two sinners in marriage. Because, let’s face it: that’s who we are.

Prior to marriage, tucked away in the privacy of my own bedroom, it all seemed quite doable. When I had that time to myself and quiet, I had all the patience and love in the world! So what happens to all that love, grace, and patience? The truth of the matter is that our marriage shouldn’t just be based on how much love we think we have, our commitment to each other, or even the vows we have made. Because even those can be broken. Marriage needs to be focused on the truth of God’s Word which never fails and never changes.

God designed marriage for His glory, and I’m thankful that in that plan He also made it for our good. And, it is good! I love being married to S! Every night before I fall off to sleep, I stare at him sleeping and thank the Lord for the gift I have in Him. I know that God joined us together for His glory, and it’s amazing to me that He has used our own sinfulness to draw us closer to Himself and each other. Things that could have destroyed us, things that could have driven a deep nail of bitterness have brought forth repentance, forgiveness, joy, and intimacy. God is so good and kind to us. We’ve come to rejoice that it is “His kindness that leads to repentance”, and His love that brings forgiveness. It is only through His Word, example, and grace that we can understand forgiveness and offer it to each other.

We’re not afraid of sin anymore because we realize that it is sin that leads us to the cross. It is there that we find grace and forgiveness. In Christ, we’ve been forgiven much! His kindness is immeasurable! I’m amazed at how differently I look at others when I view them through the eyes of mercy. Christ looked upon me in all my sin and chose to forgive me. Although I do it often, I don’t desire to be the man in Matthew who was forgiven much and then did not forgive. What an awful place to be! I want to see my sin, my debt, my need, and HIS grace when I look at S. I want to see Him through the love Christ has shown me.

Must go for now, but seriously, check out the book! It will touch all the areas that no one else touches, and those places we don’t often talk about. And, it will point you to the Gospel of grace, which we all need.