We used to go shopping together on Saturday mornings. It was a time that we both looked
forward to and enjoyed greatly. I
find this very hard to do now. Mom
is unsure of how to lock and un-lock the dressing room doors. Without instruction, she will walk
right out of the dressing room in the new clothes, with no awareness of needing
to pay for the items. Then, once
we arrive at the cash register, she is not sure what to do, how to pay for the
items. It is as if she is in a new
country with a different currency, and she desperately needs someone to help
her. Not only are her counting skills vanishing, but so are her skills in
general awareness/memory of former information and ways of doing things.
I look in her face and I see a child. This is particularly evident when she
experiences pain or loss, whether through skinned knees or a broken toy. She is distraught. It is as if I am soothing the heartache
of a wounded child. The troubles
of life are weighing heavily upon her.
She’s had years of growth and maturing, and it’s as if it has all been
taken from her. She’s fragile,
needy, sensitive, and dependent. She has nothing to draw upon in this moment,
no wisdom of her own.
I have become a mother, and I’m not prepared. She is looking to me to fulfill this
role but I feel too young. I still
need to learn from her; I am not ready for this. There are days when I have so little to give; I need
comfort. I almost want to place distance between us because it feels easier.
But, I know this is not the right answer.
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