Agonizing Love

I used to think that the grieving of twelve years would somehow be enough. That the collection of tears would reach the brim of my jar and then it would be sealed. That somehow I might not feel it all again. But my jar is overflowing now, spilling over the top and onto the floor. I can’t contain my tears no matter how hard I might try.

I am flooded with memories. The other day when my Dad and I were leaving Mom, we heard a familiar voice in one of the neighboring rooms. We peeked in and saw that it was the Director of the first day center Mom went to in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She remembered us well and we had a good conversation. And, something about that conversation brought it all full circle. I remembered those early stages. My sweet Mom was then so much like my 4-year-old daughter is now. She was childlike, dependent, precious.

I remember when we took Mom to a full-time care facility. It was agonizing. Amazing that love can sometimes be so agonizing – that God have us this capacity to feel and grieve and connect and miss connecting. And, it was His agonizing love on the Cross that brought such freedom. I am not alone in this suffering. I have a great Savior who understands what it means to grieve and break and weep. But, not in despair. With hope and assurance.

When we left Mom for the first evening at the full-time facility, it struck me (quite painfully) that this would be the first time in my parent’s marriage that they would sleep in separate beds. It felt like a canyon had been placed between them. We were only two blocks away, but it felt like she was sleeping on another continent. I remember watching my Dad kiss her goodbye, assuring her he’d see her in the morning. He turned away with a smile, as the tears welled up in his eyes. God gave her such grace. She just smiled, slightly puzzled, but somehow knowing everything would be ok. And, the nurses came in to spend time with her while we headed out the door. It was one of the most difficult nights of my life.

Tonight it hit me that this is more than me going away to college and not seeing her for a few weeks. It’s more than leaving her at the Day Center till work lets out. It’s more than saying, “We’ll see you in the morning.” This is the last time I’ll see my Mom in her earthly form. The last time I’ll touch her skin, see her eyes, watch her head turn toward me.

I can’t do anything but sob.

It hurts beyond measure. But, I do not despair. There is a reality beyond what I see now. There is a future hope, that I realize is completely counter-culture to this world, yet that is absolutely real.

I remember as a child talking to my Dad a lot about Heaven. He taught me so much about the glory of God, what worship may look like in heaven, and about our new bodies. These conversations were always filled with such questions, wonder, and also excitement.

Our reality now is two-fold: My Mom is about to die, and my Mom is about to be restored. Her race is coming to an end, but there is a new beginning.

A couple years ago, our Pastor spent some time preaching on Heaven. These are some things that I remember:

1. Heaven is a real place, involving a re-created heaven and earth. It’s not just a spiritual world.

2. Heaven is a city where the effects of the curse of sin are reversed. It’s a HUGE city where the Glory of God is its light. There is nothing unclean, and there is no presence or consequence of sin. It is stunningly beautiful! (Revelation 21:3-7)

3. In Heaven, life will be lived. We will function in worshipful living. We will work, learn, have relationships, community, responsibility, worship, and we will rule over something. We will experience all that we were created to experience! It will all be restored!

4. Most importantly, heaven is a place where we will enjoy our RELATIONSHIP with God. We will be in His presence and with His people. There will be no more separation or distance with God, but instead total enjoyment and fellowship. WOW. My heart longs for it all the more!

5. Heaven is only for God’s people, for those who are trusting in Christ alone for salvation.


My Mom has lost 18 pounds. She is not eating. They predict she has approximately two weeks at most to live.

And this is what awaits her…

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

(Revelation 2:3-7)