Strands of Grey

Must Read

2011-05-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

This article is simply fantastic: http://solofemininity.blogs.com/posts/2011/05/alzheimers-and-gospel-transformation.html.

Messy Grief

2011-05-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning at the traffic light, I turned to the car beside me. A woman was wearing a watch that looked identical to one my Mom used to wear. I then observed how her jacket was the same style and color as what Mom used to wear. The glasses were also similar, as was her hair and her face... she looked just like her. I had to pull myself out of staring. My heart raced. I turned my eyes away. The light turned green. It took all my might to press the gas pedal and leave her behind. All I could do was cry.

I asked the Lord why I took notice of this woman. Perhaps to replace the images I carry in my mind of Mom’s final days. Or maybe to remember how she would have been now, had she not been ravaged by Alzheimer’s Disease. Perhaps just to be reminded that she is healed now – far better than she could’ve ever been here on earth. Or maybe just to expose my feeble heart that sometimes just needs to cry again. To continue to grieve even when it feels like I’ve done so much grieving.

The other week a friend and I took the kids to a playground. It was a fun place – lots to see and do, lots to chat about. She just asked how I was doing. I started talking and within three minutes I was bawling. When I give words to my feelings and memories, I can’t help but cry.

I don’t want to think about certain elements of this whole situation. I thought for sure I’d want to go visit my Mom’s roommate again, but I don’t. I don’t want to go back down those halls; I don’t want to be in the room where I saw her dying body for the last time. I don’t want to smell the food cooking because it will remind me of all the times we sat next to each other. And it will remind me of when she could still walk and talk and it’s just all too painful.

Each week when I drive to visit my Dad at his house, I feel like I’m driving to go see her and I wish I could but I can’t. She’s not there.

I was trying to envision the other day what life would be like if Mom was here and healthy. Would she be working? How often would she come to visit us? Would we go shopping together? Would she love to do certain activities with A? The truth is – I feel her absence so profoundly.

I don’t like to idolize my Mom. She was not perfect. She made mistakes. We didn’t always get along. But, I loved her dearly and I miss her. I never knew quite what it would feel like to NEVER see her earthly frame again. I miss her presence. I miss walking into a room and looking for her face. I miss touching her skin. And knowing that she could still hear me. Just being near her.

Now that she’s gone, I remember more of who she once was. I’m able to see past what the disease made her. As we go through the things left behind in my parents’ house, my memories are restored. But, it’s as if this immeasurable gap remains between the Mom I grew up with and the person who left us. It’s been so long. I don’t know how to bridge the two worlds together. I feel the gap all the more since she’s gone.

When I was a child, I always wanted to be with my Mom. I missed her everywhere I went. I found a journal the other day from when I worked at a summer camp. I wrote of how much I missed home. I was weepy every Sunday evening I went back to college. I feel as if I’m experiencing the greatest separation that could ever exist and everything within me hates it. I hate it. I want nothing to do with this. I want to put up a fight. But nothing I do, nothing I feel can restore what’s been broken. And nothing can bring her back.

I’m left with painful images of dying, death. I’m left with that last day when I wanted to go back and see her and didn’t. I’m left with the night I knew death was near and I climbed into my bed. I’m left with our phone being downstairs the morning she died, never hearing it ring. Packing a picnic lunch to go see her to realize my Dad had called to tell me she had died. I’m left with every detail of pain, every feeling of loss. Every last look into her eyes. Every last feel of her feeble hands.

There is nothing right about death. I can’t say this enough.

Yet in this great loss and separation, Christ comes to lift me from such darkness. “But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.” (Psalm 3:3) And, He reminds me that I was once separated from Him, but no longer am.

Christ came to bring me near, to restore what had been broken, to usher me into fellowship with Himself. Un-ending fellowship and relationship. And, He assures and promises me (and He always keeps His promises) that He will never leave or abandon me (Hebrews 13:6). He will never be overcome by something bigger than Himself. He will always be the sovereign, powerful conqueror. I don’t have to fear Him going away.

Luke 15:31 Jesus says, “’Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.’” It’s Sonship. It’s family. It’s a tie that is not broken. I’m His child. And, as His child, I want to be meek and humble like Christ is (Matthew 11:29), who submitted Himself to the will of God, knowing it would entail great suffering. I want to be fully surrendered to the work He wants to do in my life. And, right now, presently, this is the work He’s about. And, I can trust His hand and His presence will be with me the entire way through this journey.

Sinclair B Ferguson says meekness is “… the humble strength that belongs to the man who has learned to submit to difficulties, knowing that in everything God is working for good.” He then goes on to say,

“We have seen that mercy is God stooping down to man in his weakness and inability, to bring him healing and restoration. He is the Good Samaritan, binding wounds, carrying burdens, and providing for the man who was attacked by robbers (Luke 10:33-35). This is what God does for us in Christ Jesus.”

This morning it hurt to wake. I cried out for Him to carry this burden. And He did. He is continually lifting my head and my heart! And He will never stop doing this. He is redeeming and restoring everything the robbers’ stole. And it’s all been accomplished through His everlasting work on the cross. His saving work is finished, but His ministry to my heart continues. And I will always be thankful for this!

I am not alone.

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
(Habakkuk 3:16-18)

Do you believe this?

2011-04-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

When a person passes away, there are all sorts of things left over – it’s hard to know where to put them or what to do with them. Like the place she lived. There it stands with all the people inside, all the caregivers and patients, all the food being prepared and served each day. The same beds, activity rooms, wheelchairs. Someone else is now using Mom’s bed and wheelchair.

And then there's her birthday. It was Monday. What do you do when you have a date on the calendar, but the person no longer uses it? There it stands - empty. You know it should have plans all over it – the planning, making of the cake, gathering together, going home tired. But this April 11th was quiet. Reflective. Still.

Amidst all the things that feel so misplaced, immeasurable treasures have been gained. In the darkness of impending death and just after, I couldn’t think about the next day. I couldn’t picture what waking up would look like or what our new normal would be. Everything just hurt.

Paul Tripp says, “Death is the enemy of everything good and beautiful about life as God planned it. Death should make you morally sad and righteously angry. It is a cruel indicator that the world is broken; it is not functioning according to God’s original design… God encourages you to mourn… You will hunger for the completion of all things. You will long to live with the Lord in a place where the last enemy—death—has been defeated.”

Last week, a friend approached me in the church parking lot. She hugged me. She said how sorry she was. And she told me that when her father died, she left the hospital upset, confused, and angry. She said, “I couldn’t understand how people were smiling. I wanted to shout, ‘Aren't you aware of all the pain that exists in this world?’” She went on to affirm how there is nothing right about death. My heart danced for it was understood. I needed to hear how wrong death was. I needed to talk about that. She was a huge blessing to me that morning.

I felt the same way about buying a dress for my Mom’s Memorial Service. I was weighed down by a sense of “a daughter should never have to pick out a dress to wear at her mother’s funeral. Everything about this is wrong.” The cashier splashed a generous smile across his face as he handed me my change and said, “Penny for your thoughts?” I mustered up a mild grin and thought to myself, “Oh, sir, you do not want to hear my thoughts!” I was hurt. Upset. Angry. Feeling such immense loss. I wept the entire way home, with my black dress neatly folded in a little white bag on the passenger seat.

In the days approaching Mom’s death and just after, I clung tightly to Psalm 23. With all my might, I held the promise in verse 4: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me.” I knew that despite the darkness I saw and felt, I was not alone. God had not left me, and He was never going to leave me. And, His care and protection over me would remain my comfort. All I can do is praise the Lord for this promise. He has been so faithful. As He welcomes my tears and collects them all, He comforts me like no other. I do not grieve without hope.

I am sad over the loss of my mother. I am sad that I will never hear her voice (that I actually haven’t heard in years) again. I grieve that I’ll never hold her hands or see those beautiful eyes. I weep at the reality that death will continue to destroy more lives. That I will attend more funerals. But, praise the Lord – all that is within me, praise the Lord that Mom is HOME!

When I was an early teenager, my friends and I prided ourselves in memorizing a verse from the Bible. It was, of course, the shortest verse: John 11:35, “Jesus wept”. Regardless of my motives for memorizing, His Word does not return void and now I delight in this precious story of Lazarus’ death. Jesus joined His friends in their heartfelt sorrow and loss. This shows that there is a reality about the sorrow of death that even Jesus participated in. We do grieve. Jesus did. We do cry. He did as well. And just as He looked forward to the resurrection, so do we.

Paul Tripp says, “As you weep, know this: the One who weeps with you is not content for things to stay as they are. His death was a cry and His resurrection a promise. The living Christ will continue to exert His power and you will grieve no more.”

There is victory. The grave has been conquered. “The last enemy to be destroyed is death” (1 Corinthians 15:26). This has been secured and one day we will see the fullness of this reality.

I have to admit that I was quite anxious about the Memorial Service. The day before, I experienced a great deal of anxiety. I called upon two friends to pray for me. They did and by evening, every weight and concern was lifted.

I have envisioned my Mom’s service since the day of her diagnosis. I know that might sound unusual, but it’s true. A diagnosis of terminal illness just makes you think that way – diagnosis ultimately leads to death. There was no other road to take. It was a long 12 years leading to one destination.

And, for those of you who joined us at the service, you know what a beautiful day it was! In all my visions and expectations, I could have never imagined it to be as wonderful as it was. Above seeing so many people who have walked through this journey with us, and superior to the lovely music and beautiful building, there were three things that impacted me dramatically:

1. Three of Mom’s nurses' assistants came to greet the family. My dad hugged each of them and said through tears, “Thank you! You were the best nurses! You cared for Sharon so well! We will always remember you and be thankful!” Tears freely flowed from our eyes.
2. An outstanding message sincerely delivered from our dear friend and Pastor, Peter Bogert.
3. The restoration of memories as my Dad and Mom’s best friend shared personal reflections. In 12 years of losing Mom, a part of us forgot who she was before Alzheimer’s. God is restoring these memories and it is SO good!!

And, now for the really amazing encouragement! Our Pastor began the message by describing what people often say at a funeral to the family who has lost a loved one. “We’re sorry for your loss. We’re praying for you, etc.” And then he said, “What would Jesus say to a family at a funeral?” He took us to the story of Lazarus.

Jesus told Martha, in the midst of her sorrow and pain, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” She said, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.” (John 11:26-27)

No one said these words to us in the receiving line. Either Christ was insane or He was God. Only He was able to declare that he was the only way to salvation and secure it.

As Peter preached these verses, S and I turned toward each other with wide eyes and tears streaming down our faces. Because the evening of Mom’s death, as I stood over the frame that no longer contained her spirit, all I heard resounding in my spirit was this: “Do you believe this? Do you believe that Jesus has and will secure all that He has promised? Do you believe this reality?” It was one of the most challenging moments of my life. And, I praise the Lord that as Martha did; I was able to shout from my heart, “Yes, Lord; I believe!” Even this is a gift from the Lord!

So, Mom is gone. And often times throughout the day I hear myself say, “Jesus, I’m so glad she’s with you now. I’m so glad you have her. Tell her how much we love her. I know you are caring for her so well!”

I do not grieve without hope. I keep moving forward, trusting His promises, and awaiting the many more memories of Mom He will restore to us. I know He is a redeeming God.

The End and Beginning

2011-04-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

Psalm 56: 8-- “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.”

On Wednesday evening, my sister phoned to tell me that Mom was showing more signs that the end was near. And, as we wept together, dreading the final moments, knowing that Mom’s body was uncomfortable, I longed for her Homegoing all the more, for the suffering to cease.

12:55 a.m.
I woke uncomfortably. Just couldn’t find the right position. Wondering why I was up at that hour. And then I knew that I needed to pray for Mom.

God woke my brother up at the very same time. As he walked outside, he asked God to take Mom quickly.

4:41 a.m.
Mom took her final breath as Dad walked through the doors of the nursing home.

7:46 a.m.
As I gathered A and I to head out to see Mom, I listened to a voicemail my Dad left for me at 5:25 a.m. My knees dropped to the living room floor. Sobs spilled out everywhere. My cry extended endlessly like a note carrying over eternal measures.

Dad was unable to talk at the time so I phoned my sister. She confirmed what I knew to be true. I thought I’d be ready to hear it. I had envisioned this moment for years. One can simply never be ready.

Soon we were all at Dad’s house.

The day was a whirlwind of weeping, hugging, remembering, laughing, and resting. Phone calls. More weeping. Almost-sleeping. Keeping on. Smiling. Crying.

Dad was the only one who saw Mom shortly after she passed. We all knew in advance that her body would promptly be transported to the University of Penn for an autopsy. In light of the circumstances and with sincere compassion, the funeral director kindly offered us the gift of a private viewing of Mom that evening.

I wept as we drove to the funeral home, as we walked through the doors, and as we waited to be greeted. I trembled. A woman ushered us into another room, telling us to take as long as we needed, to pull up chairs if we’d like. I looked past her, avoiding eye contact, just wanting to see my Mom. Then, I saw her. Her profile. Her frame. And, I heard my thunderous weeping in the still, quiet room. There she laid, but yet not her.

What I noticed first was her stillness. The final days of her life were so unsettled. Her body’s response to the lack of food often woke her from sleep. But, that night, as her precious, thin frame laid there in that room, it was still, not bound by a broken sinful body anymore. We could not help but reflect on the fact that she looked peaceful, absent and free. My Dad cried out, “She’s not in here any more… she’s FREE! She’s free!” It was undeniable.

We must have spent an hour there, just staring at her and talking. Commenting on her lovely skin, noticing the effects of a long physical battle, reflecting on the smile we had not seen in so long. Her expression reminded us all of days long past. And, something about her laying there made me think of all the times I’d walk into their room in the early morning, to greet her sweet, sleeping face in bed. That’s how she looked to me. It was an hour filled with tears, joy, weeping, sorrow, and thankfulness. We took the opportunity to remember and also reflect on all God did through her in the midst of an awful disease. And of His goodness. And of Mom’s wonderful spirit through it all. Such a gift from the Lord. I’ve never seen the Fruit of the Spirit more present in anyone than in my Mom through Alzheimer’s.

As we stood there, Dad told us about a conversation that I remember well. When we told Mom she had Alzheimer’s for the very first time, she asked Dad, “Will I be okay?” He simply said, “Yes, you will be fine. I will take care of you.” And she was fine with that answer and never asked him again. He kept His promise and she made it a blessing for him to do so. It was the most beautiful picture of trust. We have been blessed as children to watch their story unfold and even to see it come to completion.

It came time to leave the funeral home. I wrestled with it. How could I possibly say goodbye to this face? How could I leave her body lying there? It was anguish. Utter defeat. Misery. To turn my head, yet turn back again, knowing I’d never see her again in this world. Could I stay the night? Was I crazy?

I knew that she was gone, but I just wanted to hang onto that image, to never forget. To hold her one last time. But I knew it was all different now.

There were so many times these past few weeks that I just sat by Mom’s side, staring at her, taking it all in, wanting to comfort her every feeling, her every sense and pain. I wanted to memorize her face, her eyes looking at me. To remember those hands in mine.

I never knew death could be such anguish. I had never imagined how deep the pain would throb and twist. It’s a part of this world that God never intended us to experience. It is crushing. The weight of it all. How I’ve never really grasped what Christ did on the cross for us – taking on all sin and death – taking our place, feeling separation from the Father.

Romans 8:38 assures me that when we are united with Christ in His death and resurrection, we don’t have to experience this separation for eternity. (For those apart from Christ, eternal separation from God does exist – Luke 16:19, Matthew 5, 25, 18, Isaiah 30.) As believers, when our bodies are resurrected, death is ultimately defeated!

1 Corinthians 15:54-57

“Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?

For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

I must confess, there were times when I felt such confusion. When standing over the lifeless body of my mother, I faced the reality: Do I believe all that I say I do? Do I trust the resurrection of Jesus? And, I wrestled again with the injustice. I almost felt as if the disease had won. After all, she was gone. She died from Alzheimer’s. It took her. Or, did it?

In Matthew 27:46, as Christ hung on the cross in great distress, he quoted Psalm 22:1: “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” He experienced separation from the Father in bearing our sins. But, as the rest of the Psalm indicates and as was His promised resolution, the victory was about to be secured. Deliverance was coming! Only God could take suffering and death and bring victory and redemption! Only Christ in His perfection could stand in our place.

Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” We deserve death. He offers life.

Romans 5:10 shares that Christ’s death and resurrection is necessary for our salvation. We’re reconciled through His death and life.

Christ knew that the Father would be faithful. And, I know that I can never be separated from His love (Romans 8:38). And, I aspire to be like Abraham, who didn’t waiver in trusting the Lord, who was fully convinced that He would do as He promised.

Christ secures eternal life for all those who trust in Him. I put my whole heart, my entire life, my trembling body in the face of death, my entire trust in Him. And, I am completely confident that there will be no separation. And, there never was for my Mom.

Sweet victory. She is FREE! Praise the Lord – she is FREE!

Jesus lives and so shall I. One day I will also rise and meet Him! What a day that will be!

Today, as spring ushers in and I see new life blooming, I praise the Lord that through death, my Mom now sees LIFE.

More to this story

2011-03-30T05:11:00.000-07:00

Walking down the hallway of my Mom’s home is something I love and hate to do. I love it because my Mom is at the end of it. I hate it for all it represents. My sister and I like to call it “the hallway of tears”, for each step we take brings us closer to my Mom’s reality. It brings us closer to these last days, to our last goodnight.

When my Mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I remember looking around the doctor’s office, surveying all his credentials. I was so angry with him – not him as an individual—but that his profession should even exist in the first place. That people should even get Alzheimer’s. Even from the beginning of Mom’s disease, there was this “wrongness” about the whole thing.

When I see women nearing their later years, displaying their beautiful crown of white hair, I am reminded that my Mom will never get there. When I admire the sharp minds of older generations, I’m reminded that my Mom’s mind has disappeared and vanished. When I see my Mom lying there, when I touch her frail hands, when I see the slight light left in her eyes, all of my heart shouts, “This is not the way it’s supposed to be!”

A couple nights ago, as I walked down the hallway, I couldn’t help but think that my Mom should never have had to go to bed each night in this place. She should be at home, where she belongs. And, as I entered her room and saw the picture of her mother who also died of Alzheimer’s Disease this past year, I became angry at the disease. I wanted to scream at the injustice.

This sense of injustice reminded me that we are created for so much more than this world.

I’m thankful that in Scripture, death is the last enemy. And, it is only temporary. All that is bad will one day be made right.

There’s a day to come when death will be no more -- when all our pain and suffering will cease. There will be a new reality; a perfect relationship between God and His creation will exist.

Right now, we see the pain. We see Mom’s physical frame decline. We lose more of her each day. But, there is more to her story than this ending.

In the new creation, all things will be made right. The entire progression of the Bible builds to this reality. God is going to redeem and restore everything to what it was meant to be. Right now, we feel the weight and pain and heaviness of this world, but it’s going to change.

There will be a day when we won’t struggle with losing loved ones. When there aren’t people diagnosing Alzheimer’s. When all will be made right.

As a Christian, I believe this reality. My hope is beyond what we see now.

Jesus took on flesh, suffered terribly, and was cut off from God so we might not have to experience that eternally. My great Savior, I thank you for such hope! Such redemption. That I can trust You took my place, the place I deserved on the cross for my sin, and you have secured my salvation. That this is my standing, my hope, my identity, and my security. This what carries me through these final days.

A good friend of our's has a great sermon on this new reality. Feel free to check it out.

Psalm 103:

Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!
6 The Lord gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
7 He revealed his character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
18 of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!
19 The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.
20 Praise the Lord, you angels,
you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!
22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
everything in all his kingdom.

Let all that I am praise the Lord.

Agonizing Love

2011-03-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

I used to think that the grieving of twelve years would somehow be enough. That the collection of tears would reach the brim of my jar and then it would be sealed. That somehow I might not feel it all again. But my jar is overflowing now, spilling over the top and onto the floor. I can’t contain my tears no matter how hard I might try.

I am flooded with memories. The other day when my Dad and I were leaving Mom, we heard a familiar voice in one of the neighboring rooms. We peeked in and saw that it was the Director of the first day center Mom went to in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She remembered us well and we had a good conversation. And, something about that conversation brought it all full circle. I remembered those early stages. My sweet Mom was then so much like my 4-year-old daughter is now. She was childlike, dependent, precious.

I remember when we took Mom to a full-time care facility. It was agonizing. Amazing that love can sometimes be so agonizing – that God have us this capacity to feel and grieve and connect and miss connecting. And, it was His agonizing love on the Cross that brought such freedom. I am not alone in this suffering. I have a great Savior who understands what it means to grieve and break and weep. But, not in despair. With hope and assurance.

When we left Mom for the first evening at the full-time facility, it struck me (quite painfully) that this would be the first time in my parent’s marriage that they would sleep in separate beds. It felt like a canyon had been placed between them. We were only two blocks away, but it felt like she was sleeping on another continent. I remember watching my Dad kiss her goodbye, assuring her he’d see her in the morning. He turned away with a smile, as the tears welled up in his eyes. God gave her such grace. She just smiled, slightly puzzled, but somehow knowing everything would be ok. And, the nurses came in to spend time with her while we headed out the door. It was one of the most difficult nights of my life.

Tonight it hit me that this is more than me going away to college and not seeing her for a few weeks. It’s more than leaving her at the Day Center till work lets out. It’s more than saying, “We’ll see you in the morning.” This is the last time I’ll see my Mom in her earthly form. The last time I’ll touch her skin, see her eyes, watch her head turn toward me.

I can’t do anything but sob.

It hurts beyond measure. But, I do not despair. There is a reality beyond what I see now. There is a future hope, that I realize is completely counter-culture to this world, yet that is absolutely real.

I remember as a child talking to my Dad a lot about Heaven. He taught me so much about the glory of God, what worship may look like in heaven, and about our new bodies. These conversations were always filled with such questions, wonder, and also excitement.

Our reality now is two-fold: My Mom is about to die, and my Mom is about to be restored. Her race is coming to an end, but there is a new beginning.

A couple years ago, our Pastor spent some time preaching on Heaven. These are some things that I remember:

1. Heaven is a real place, involving a re-created heaven and earth. It’s not just a spiritual world.

2. Heaven is a city where the effects of the curse of sin are reversed. It’s a HUGE city where the Glory of God is its light. There is nothing unclean, and there is no presence or consequence of sin. It is stunningly beautiful! (Revelation 21:3-7)

3. In Heaven, life will be lived. We will function in worshipful living. We will work, learn, have relationships, community, responsibility, worship, and we will rule over something. We will experience all that we were created to experience! It will all be restored!

4. Most importantly, heaven is a place where we will enjoy our RELATIONSHIP with God. We will be in His presence and with His people. There will be no more separation or distance with God, but instead total enjoyment and fellowship. WOW. My heart longs for it all the more!

5. Heaven is only for God’s people, for those who are trusting in Christ alone for salvation.

My Mom has lost 18 pounds. She is not eating. They predict she has approximately two weeks at most to live.

And this is what awaits her…

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

(Revelation 2:3-7)

What's To Come

2011-03-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

We’ve often thought this is how it might end. We’ve heard so many instances of Alzheimer’s patients’ coming down with a bad cold and in the course of it, they forget how to swallow. They stop eating. Mom’s last full meal was on Friday. Since then, she’s had about 8 oz. of a liquid or puree’ each day.

As much as you think you are ready for something like this, especially when it’s tarried so long, you never are. And, as much and often as I pray, “Jesus, take her Home…” I want to continue to see her face, to touch her hands, to see her eyes.

Today she was so thin. She’s lost 10 pounds. Her face is lean. Her movements are diverse and less predictable. She is often extending her arms, as if she’s reaching for something. How I’d love to climb right in and hold each other through this.

We all gathered there today around her. When I look at her, it’s a mixture of emotion. First, it’s the reality of her struggling, of her frailty. Then, I’m flooded with memories – beautiful memories of her.

But, the greatest beauty in all of this all is the marriage of my parents and how deeply they love each other and cling to each other.

When I saw my Dad’s persistence defeated as Mom would not eat, my heart broke. I saw his fear, his concern, and him stepping into the reality of “this could really be it”. The Lord showed such compassion in that moment by helping her swallow about 8 oz. of applesauce. Such grace and kindness to us today! He is a living God! He worked mightily in that moment to strengthen and encourage!

Once my Mom was changed and back in bed, my Dad stroked her cheek so tenderly. Her trembling body settles when he touches her face. She tastes such peace with his hands. He settles her, just like she used to settle us when we were upset. Like she would comb through my hair with her fingers or touch my face gently, and let me lie on her lap till I was settled. I love how our family provides this for each other.

I've never seen love displayed so tenderly and powerfully as when I watch my parents. My Dad extends it freely and my Mom receives it so well. She has always clung to him to tightly and beautifully. I understand why they don't want to let go of each other.

My Mom loves A’s voice. I can talk till I’m blue in the face, sometimes without her opening her eyes, but when she hears A’s voice, she brightens. My sweet girl told Mom how Jesus is always with her, even when we are not. And, how we've been praying for her. And, she proceeded to tell her stories about her favorite instruments and toys, and things she loves to do. It was adorable, and my Mom opened her eyes and listened the entire time A spoke. It was a tremendous blessing! So satisfying!

She also turned slightly toward me as I shared some of my precious memories of her – of cookies and cinnamon rolls and strawberries and shopping. I KNOW she heard me. I felt so content and satisfied having spent the day there with her. How I miss her! How thankful I am for my daughter! I was praying for contentment in my heart this morning and my heart is so content, so blessed.

It’s so odd to have such mixture of emotions. To want someone to be with the Lord so badly so the trembling and hunger and tarrying can cease. But, then wanting to stay in her room for days and weeks just talking to her about everything and anything I can think of – to get all my talking out so that I will never feel like I haven’t said enough or all that I wanted to.

He is my Comforter. I sense His presence so near and see all the more the reality of my future in Him. My hope is secure!

I remember my Mom telling me several times throughout life, when she was having a tough day, “I’m so ready for Heaven!” I can see it in her face now. I know she is ready, and she has nothing at all to fear. She knows the One who is taking her there. She’s ready.

I know that in these years of great suffering for my Mom, He has ministered to her like no other. He has comforted her beyond measure. I sense this comfort now myself. He is a living God! A merciful and gracious God! A redeeming God! A restoring God!

I’ve been reading through John 14 – on the wonderful place He’s prepared for those who have trusted in Christ.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”

“No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!”

Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.”

Jesus replied, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and yet you still don’t know who I am? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father! So why are you asking me to show him to you? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words I speak are not my own, but my Father who lives in me does his work through me. Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do.

“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!

“If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you. No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them.”

Judas (not Judas Iscariot, but the other disciple with that name) said to him, “Lord, why are you going to reveal yourself only to us and not to the world at large?”

Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me. I am telling you these things now while I am still with you. But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do happen, you will believe.

“I don’t have much more time to talk to you, because the ruler of this world approaches. He has no power over me, but I will do what the Father requires of me, so that the world will know that I love the Father. Come, let’s be going."

Coming Clean

2011-02-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

We all have things we don’t like to clean up after. Our desks. Dirty dishes. Laundry. The car. Emotional messes or consequences from careless words. Cleaning up, in any sense of the concept, is hard work.

As a mother of a preschooler, one of my least-favorite messes to clean up is the “I was too busy playing to stop and go potty” messes’ that my daughter sometimes likes to share with me. How easy it is to allow frustration and irritation to build in these moments, wishing that this would never happen, or if it must, just one last time.

But, we aren’t like that, are we? Our sin isn’t like that. We’re dirty, messy, and often weary.

Paul Miller, in his book A Praying Life, says,

“Jesus didn’t come for the righteous. He came for sinners. All of us qualify. The very things we try to get rid of – our weariness, our distractedness, our messiness – are all what get us in the front door! That’s how the Gospel works… In bringing yourself to Jesus, you give Him the opportunity to work on the real you… God would much rather deal with the real thing. Jesus said He came for sinners, for messed-up people who keep messing up (Luke 15:1-2). Come dirty!” (33-34)

This truth encouraged me greatly the other day. I could hardly wait for my daughter to wake up, so that I could share with her how the Lord was admonishing me! When she woke, I embraced her tenderly and enthusiastically and said, “Honey, no matter how many times you get dirty, I will always be here to help you clean up. And, the same is true with Jesus and your sin! You can come to Him with a dirty heart, full of sin, and He will clean you as you trust in His work on the cross!” She seemed encouraged and consequently had a much better day – we both did, keeping this bigger picture in perspective.

This leads me to recall the priests’ regular sacrifices prior to Christ’s finished work on the cross. Never sufficient in reaching the hearts of the people, the sacrifices were merely an outward symbol for cleansing. Their attempts were done repeatedly yet never fully atoned for sin. But, Christ, in His great work of salvation on the cross, has atoned for sin once for all!

Our Great High Priest, who sympathizes with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15), who offers grace and mercy (Hebrews 4:16), is all-sufficient! He offered Himself once for all so that there is no need to do it again – no need for Atonement Day each year. His Work is completely done. And, He is able to save us forever because He ministers before the Father forever. He has the power to hold and keep us, despite our on-going failings. He remembers our sin no more. This is true and eternal forgiveness. The barrier has been torn, and we can now boldly come.

This should encourage us! Despite our on-going failings, because of Christ’s Work on the cross, I am extended continual grace and mercy. This is the same grace and mercy I want to grasp in light of my own sin, and also extend to others, even when it’s messy.

We’ve been reading a book with our daughter recently, and it has become one of her favorites. It is called The Priest with Dirty Clothes (http://www.ligonier.org/store/the-priest-with-dirty-clothes-hardcover/) by R.C. Sproul. It’s about a priest who can’t approach the King because His clothes are ruined. After trying every possible means and failing, the priest visits the Great Prince, his only possible hope to stand before the King. It’s a great story of Christ’s righteousness standing in our place before God, and I highly recommend it to every family!

So, if you’re a believer in Christ, be encouraged – He has declared you righteous! And, all the cleaning-up you think you have yet to do, and even get discouraged by, be assured that He’s already done it for you. It’s completely done! We can come to Him, just as we are, and know that our standing is secure.

“But God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

My List of Things to Do

2010-04-16T04:35:00.001-07:00

This past week as my daughter and I drove to the supermarket, I was dwelling on Galatians 5:13 which says, “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” This led me to consider fresh ideas for service, pondering how to better give of myself for His glory. One moment later, I was presented with a unique opportunity to serve another individual.

We pulled into the parking lot, opened the car doors, and were greeted by an elderly woman who inquired if we would like her cart. I quickly and rather kindly responded, “Oh, no thank you! We plan to use a basket today!” Cheerily, I walked to the trunk to retrieve our shopping bags and then stopped dead in my tracks. I thought to myself, “Oh my. That poor woman! She doesn’t want to take that cart back herself! What was I thinking?” I rushed back over, helped her put all the groceries in her car, had a lovely chat, and returned her cart to the store.

Did you catch why I initially declined helping her with her cart? Because I wanted a basket. I didn’t need a cart. I had planned to use a basket that day. I could not see past my own plan to the need of another individual.

Do you ever find yourself making lists of things to do? I love lists. I even use an application on our computer that posts little “stickies” on our desktop. That’s how much I love lists! I find they help me to stay on task. There is just one problem with my list-obsession.

If you’ve ever read the Frog and Toad books by Arnold Lobel, there is one particular story called, The List. Toad loses his list of things to do and is quite upset, but he will not chase after it because it was not on his list of things to do. The story is absolutely hilarious, that is until you see yourself in it! Are we not also like this? We govern and plan our days, leaving little room for how He might want to orchestrate divine appointments for His glory and our good. I was so set on using a basket that I couldn’t see the need right in front of me. Perhaps the illustration seems trite and silly, but I pray these verses do not:

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)

*Each detail of every day is within His sovereign care. He makes and orchestrates our days. This means that He both holds and brings interruptions – they are catalysts for His glory and our good, even for our growth!

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. Whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 4:10-11)

*We serve each other with the strength He gives us, not of our own strength. And our service is to bring glory to Him. Above any list or plan for the day should be our desire to please and glorify Him.

The other day I read a prayer for Christian women by John Piper. He prayed, “My earnest challenge and prayer for you is that you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific calling; that you not fritter away your time… that you redeem the time for Christ and His Kingdom.” I was challenged as to how I view “my time”. Now this is not to say that we all don’t need time alone and to ourselves, because I think we do. Being an introvert by nature, if I was around people all the time, I just might combust. But here is my main point:

*We need to be constantly aware and attentive to the needs around us. We need to be dependant on Him and not ourselves to meet those needs. We must remember that our days are His and we are to be obedient to what He places before us. Yet we must also understand this: our obedience is only possible by the strength that He gives us through His Spirit. He feeds His sheep; He feeds the multitudes. Our every ounce of energy and endurance comes from Him.

The challenge is simply this – ask for open eyes and a spirit that is dependent on Him, not on your own strength. And, guard your life from idleness. Be active at putting others before yourselves, serve your families, and do not be selfish with your time and gifts. Our lives are really not our own. Our lists must always leave room for changes.

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Galatians 5:13)

Bridging the Gap of Disconnect

2010-04-16T04:31:00.000-07:00

I can listen intently, take thorough notes, and have maximum motivation for implementing truth into daily life. My challenge is acting. I’m sure you’ve read about me in the book of James. I’m the person who listens well, stores up knowledge, but when the time comes to use it, I casually, yet often deliberately chose to forget it. I’ve been known on occasion to even run the other way.

I’m challenged by the following verses: “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in all his doing.” (James 1:22-25)

Do you find it slightly astonishing, perhaps even appalling that we choose to walk away from being blessed in all we do? The passage clearly states that the one who looks at the law and perseveres --who acts-- will be blessed in all he does. So, what is it that causes me to retreat when I’ve received such specific marching orders? Am I lazy? Careless? Clearly, I am a sinner. How I need to be more attentive, more diligent in allowing Scripture to penetrate the depths of my heart and mind.

Consider James 1:19-20: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” I shout an “Amen” in my head when I read this. Yet shortly after, I find myself doing exactly the opposite. I find myself voicing and acting on my annoyances and irritations rather than displaying patience and love. I choose to look at offenses and hold people to them rather than overlooking them. (1 Peter 4:8) How can I believe something so strongly and yet live so contrary?

I believe it starts here: God is holy and I am a desperate, needy sinner. Only He can do this work in me, and only His behavior and His heart are worth emulating. Only His law is worth writing on my heart. And sometimes it’s a good idea to write it on all the walls of my house – to post it everywhere, lest my feeble mind forget it. My heart is deceitful above all else and cannot be easily trusted. I need to be constantly in His Word, training myself in truth, storing it up not just to know but to also use it. There must be application through the strength I receive by His Spirit.

I want His Word to be the morsel I long for and acquire. I want Him to be the refuge I run to not only when I’m needy, but also when I’m angry, when I’m disobedient, when I need forgiveness, when I need humility, etc. I want to spend more time in His Word and more time acting on it.

Proverbs 3:3-8 states, “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

Refrain from anger and practice kindness. This type of love does not come from being wise in my own eyes; it comes from being wise in Him. I can acknowledge Him in how I display kindness to others and in daily circumstances. And how amazing to think that through this, I can receive healing in my bones, straightness to my path, and refreshment amidst a sin-sick world. I resonate with this.

I want to live faithfully. I don’t want to see a hypocrite or a liar when I see the reflection of my own heart. And, I know that only His Spirit and His Word can change me. This takes discipline and diligence. I cannot afford to be lazy. I can’t be so foolish so as to not care or not make it a priority. His Word is not motionless; it is living and active. I don’t want to be at a standstill; I want to see His Word living and active through me.

Titus 2:11 states, “For the grace of God has appeared, brining salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age.”

Let’s not sit at a standstill – let’s allow His Spirit and Word to transform us.

Her Eyes

2010-02-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am a dreamer by night, not usually by day. I have dreams of people and places, decisions, emotional dreams, spiritual dreams. I have dreams of my Mom.

This has happened many times before, but is often infrequent, perhaps similar to how my thoughts are of Mom from time to time. It may sound strange to the reader, but just as friends disappears from your everyday life and you don’t think of them as much, so does my Mom disappear from my thoughts quite often. She is not always on the forefront. Yet she is so deep within me that when I leave her presence, I often cry for the rest of the day.

Back to my dream. There she sat in her wheelchair and I next to her, longing for something more than her closed eyes and clutched hands. Some kind of communication. Some type of exchange. Then, something different happened. I saw her again, standing above her frail body, looking down upon herself. Healthy Mom, expressive Mom, talkative Mom, eyes-looking-at-me-Mom. There she was. And she looked at me and smiled, as if we hadn’t seen each other in such a long time. It was almost a look of pride, of affection, of all I hope to see in her when I visit. I was moved. And then she looked down and saw herself. She was almost shocked, saddened. She looked at me, trying to understand. I stared back at her puzzled eyes, and then I woke up.

I kept my eyes closed for a while that morning, staring at her face till I could not longer see it. I held on, trying to get back in that dream to perhaps have a conversation or just to look at her eyes again. But instead I was reminded of life now, of my dear husband next to me in bed, my daughter in the next room, and the day about to dawn. I was reminded of Mom’s reality. And I was reminded of the goodness of God to each of us in that reality. He has been so kind.

I told my sister the other day that I never miss Mom more than when I see her now. It’s painful. It’s all that I envisioned it to be. It’s the staring at blank, closed eyes. It’s the seeing her body change so drastically. It’s the watching saliva drip down from her lips and knowing her diaper needs to be changed or nails need to be trimmed. It’s the not having her know my daughter. It’s the not being able to pick up the phone and call her just to chat. It’s the missing her laugh and voice and tenderness. It’s that and so much more.

But I’m thankful for the dream for through it I remember her again. I want to dream a little more. How I miss her! How I miss those early Alz days when she was the most precious person you’d ever come to know. How gracefully she’s handled Alzheimer’s, by the grace of God. How He’s sustained her! And I know He sustains each of us. And I see how He’s working in our family because of Mom’s Alz. He is sovereign, faithful, and so glorious.

Far better than having her look into my eyes is knowing that one day soon, she will behold Him and see Him in all His glory! Even so, “Come, Lord Jesus!”

Something Lost, Something Gained

2009-12-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

As each year passes, Christmas seems to change a bit in my heart and in our family. Perhaps it's the loosening of my grip on sentimentality of Christmas past. If it were up to me, I would cling tightly to the giddiness of Christmas Eve, to the new dress and doing up of hair, to the waking up early to unwrap treasures, to the packing up to visit family. I'd hold onto the dreaming and anticipation of what I would be receiving for Christmas. The eager expectation of what was to come. But what I've come to realize is that I actually had it all wrong.

I think we all seek to be pleased, to be happy, to get what we really want. I've written on that before so I won't go on too lengthily. But, my excitement of Christmas was really wrapped up all in me. My giddiness and anticipation, my dreaming and longing was all absorbed in what I would "get" for me. It was about what could be gained for myself.

This has been a slow progression of learning, but I think the first time this started to sink in was about 6 years ago when I lived at home with my dad and he forgot my birthday. I waited all day thinking that he would remember, but slowly realized that he probably forgot amidst all the responsibility in caring for Mom. At the close of dinner that evening, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said, "Dad, it's my birthday today." He truly felt sorry and tried to cheer me up and bought me a beautiful cake the next day, but I remember it all hurting so deeply. I remember feeling completely forgotten by both my parents. I had to try hard not to cry to S on the phone that night, so as not to appear petty. I was old enough to not need a cake and presents, right? Yet, I remember gaining such wealth from the pain of being forgotten. Perhaps it wasn't really about me getting. Did a birthday really require a celebration or gift? There was reason to reflect and celebrate but it certainly didn't demand a cake and icing. My treasure was not to be found in a present that I would soon forget. My true treasure could only be found and rooted in Christ.

So my passion and longing for Christ has deepened through the years. And, I suppose my enthusiasm for "the getting" has lessened a bit. I'm challenged to examine where I find my identity and worth. Is it in how I'm remembered or thought of? Is it it what I am given? Or is it in my identification as a child of God, freely and graciously forgiven by the Great High Priest, the One and Only true God? Astounding. I am precious to Him when others may fail or forget me.

This year, A and I worked on a Jesse Tree (http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?&pid=1602&srcid=1600) for the season of Advent, and I am humbled and thankful at all that we learned and were reminded of about our Great Savior. It is one of the first years in which I truly anticipated the Savior's birth as we read Scripture after Scripture pointing to His great plan of salvation! (Next year, we plan to do a Jesus or Bethlehem Tree (http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2137_jesus_tree/ for a similar idea, yet a little different) as a family.

Consequently, S and I began to ponder our Christmas traditions this year -- why we do what we do and all that. Perhaps we'll re-write our up-coming traditions, tweak them a tad, so we can more adequately remember and focus our hearts on Him each year. Not a doing thing, but a heart thing -- to remember Him, to love Him, to look upon Him with irrevocable gratitude and love. For His grace and mercy know no end. His choosing us is no mistake. And we are so precious to Him. How precious, how cherished, how immeasurable we desire our love to be for Him! This is the gift we desire to bring Him each year. And how wonderful to know that in Christ, we've received all that we ever truly need.

well-suited

2009-07-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

I came across this article today and really enjoyed it. Hope you do, too... even if just a few lines. Well-suited for the theme of this blog.

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspiration-motivation/makes-me-feel-beautiful-00000000017777/index.html

What's to Come

2009-07-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

There she lay on the hospital bed, asleep, quiet, and might I add – beautiful. How can dying look so beautiful? It can. I assure you, it can.

Her death was not imminent, as in the near future, but it reminded me just how close it really is. She was having a very difficult day with a bladder infection and feeling very uncomfortable. And, yet seeing her lay there made us all realize – we’ll all be in that hospital room again, watching her lay on the bed, preparing for those final moments.

It’s odd to say that she looks more like my Mom when sleeping. I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand that, also. But, her eyes have not looked the same to me in a long time. And when I saw her laying there, eyes closed, resting – she looked just as if I walked into her bedroom years ago to wake her up to chat or play. She looked like all that I remember. Gorgeous. Dreaming. At rest. Healthy. Excited to see me.

What struck me even more was that she was resting. And, how I long for her to have eternal rest with our Lord. As much as I love seeing her, enjoy her presence, and don’t want to let her go, I long more for her restoration. Most of all, I long for His glory, and if that means more time for her here to accomplish His purposes, I readily agree and accept.

I came across a box of letters and photos the other night, and inside were three letters from my Mom. S walked in the room to find me in tears. I said, “I don’t even remember her anymore.” The letters were fragrant with her love, her fun spirit, her humor and sensitivity. And, they were lavished with her love and concern for me. How I miss that! How long it has been since I’ve sensed that or heard such things from her. And, yet I hear her in some things I say to my girl now. I’m reminded of her ways.

Alzheimer’s is so very long. It tarries. The clock ticks slowly. Come, Lord Jesus. And, remain our steadfast comfort till the end.

A Dream of Endurance

2009-07-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Early this morning, I had a dream that I was on a long and weary journey. I was greatly discouraged at just how difficult it had all become. I turned the bend, in great hope that the end would soon be in sight, but I saw the opposite. Before me was a great expanse of land: infinite miles; uncounted, unchartered, waiting for me. And my heart sank. I wanted to surrender and go no further. I was done. I had nothing left in me to endure.

I recall waking from the dream, knowing that the way out was actually sooner than I thought. There was some kind of pathway to an underground route taking me back home. But, there was no way of knowing that beforehand. The test of my faith was to endure no matter what I saw ahead.

I think it’s very easy for us to feel this way. Perhaps we’ve pre-scanned and labeled the trials we’d like to endure, and if things do not go according to plan, then our faith will not follow. We’ll abandon ship, or maybe instead sulk for the remainder of the journey.

As Psalm 73 and Romans 5 so clearly indicate, there is maturity gained through our trials. There is trust and encouragement and a depth that is fostered in the well of our hearts. James shares that we are to regard our trials with joy. We’re to look ahead at what may appear to be “bleak” and uncertain circumstances and say, “Thank you, God. Thank you. You know, you are in this, and I can trust you here.” How often do we experience the joy and peace in thanking Him for our trials? He has ordained them for us. He is so wise.

When we round that bend and see the infinite miles that may lie ahead, may we know that the end will result in praising God (1 Peter 1:6-7). And, He will see us through, often with great joy as we focus our eyes on Him.

Let us strive and long to be shaped in the image of Christ. He’s near and very, very good to us! And may we ENDURE.

“And let steadfastness have its full effect,
that you may be perfect and complete,
lacking in nothing.”
(James 1:4)

No Comparisons

2009-06-15T20:49:00.001-07:00

My brother said to me the other day, “I never want to grow old. So many awful things can happen.” I’ve always been a proponent for aging. I’ve loved the idea of having my hair change from brown to grey, of growing in wisdom, and of having more years under my belt. Certainly, though, my brother does have a valid point.

It seemed that right before we moved, my hair started to turn. Consequently, I now see silvery streaks sprouting all over my head, as if I have sprinkled seeds in the morning and water them in the shower. I notice more of them each day. Some are quirky, too, like tiny, untamable lightning bolts. I say to S, “I’m not sure, hon. I might cave and color it!” He still encourages me to let it come and enjoy it. What a treasure he is! We’ll see what we both think in a few months. LOL.

I also learned another lesson about aging three weeks ago when I dislocated my back. I’ve never done this before, but I knew immediately that something was wrong, when intense pain struck my lower back, pushing me right down to the floor. I should have taken more time to rest, but I didn’t realize it wasn’t just a muscle issue—it was actually dislocated. It’s extremely humbling to realize how much physical pain can alter my perspective in almost every area.

I’m reminded how much joy I find in mobility. In walking down the stairs, picking up the jogging stroller, and placing my little tot inside. In spinning her round and round, lifting her when she gets frightened by loud noises in a store, making her fly like a busy, buzzy bee. As I left my class tonight, I walked to the car with a whimpering lip. I’d been holding my tears in way too long. I just needed to let it all out. I readily admit two things: I love routine and I love serving my family. I can’t help but cry that in S’s busiest season of work, he must overcompensate for me. I feel so helpless.

It’s as if I’m looking at the washing machine and vacuum as friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I know, this may sound so funny, but I find great joy in being useful, using my hands, and serving my family. I love our new apartment and love seeing it shine in every way. I’m sad that I am spending all my time on the couch. It’s very hard for me.

But, the hardest part, beyond the weight it places on S, is missing this element with my girl. I don’t want to be concerned about pulling my back out when I pick her up. I miss each second.

I remember our pastor sharing a few weeks ago that we should not compare our trials. So, I won’t go on to say how someone else has it worse or better than me. But, I can assure you, I am challenged all the more to trust His sovereignty, rather than just blame myself for trying to move a dresser and bed by myself. He is in control. He is about a good work. I’ve seen some of that already, in how He’s made me available to others, given me time to rest, read, learn, and reflect. I guess my issue is being patient and being ok with being limited. He’s still in control. He doesn’t really need me to accomplish it all. And, it’s ok if His to-do list is different from mine.

I want to learn what it means to be patient and enduring, because I know He impresses such things on my heart. His Word assures me so in places like Romans and James. And, I trust His hand, as much as sometimes I don’t prefer the situations. I’m challenged to rest, trust He’s in control, even of my family. It’s not all centered in what I can do. He is far greater than my ability to mop the floor or even than the joy of spinning my girl.

So, the greys, I’ll take them. The pain, I’ll open my hands and accept. Because I know it comes from Him. The patience and endurance leads me to the wisdom, to the crown of silver. And, as much as I think I’m close when I look in the mirror, I really do have a long way to go.

Those late night chats

2009-05-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

When our friendship first began, long before I ever knew we’d one day marry each other, we loved to talk on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. There I sat in my parents’ dining room, in a cozy-orange chair, stretching the blue phone cord as far as it could reach, so I could be comfortable and talk longer. I didn’t care how late it got (although my dad did) or how tired I’d be the next day. It was one of my favorite things to do and still is.

There was always an incredible anticipation in my chatting with S. I looked forward to it and enjoyed every minute. We talked about everything and I was always challenged by what he had to say and contribute. And I loved the laughter we shared. No one had ever made me laugh so hard. It was an incredible friendship that I continue to enjoy the fruit of today.

This week we’ve had a few nights when we’ve just sat on the couch, talking, sharing, growing, and planning into those same wee morning hours. And, I’ve loved it. I love hearing his heart and mind speak, and I love how we speak truth to each other. I love sharing my heart and life with this wonderful husband of mine. Although we talk all the time, there is something about our late night chats that draw us closer and cause me to give thanks for the great hope and redemption He’s brought into our lives and marriage.

It’s amazing to look back at how much I loved him then, but how much more I love him now! How much deeper. Truer. No matter how tired I am, I will always stay up for him. I will talk until he thinks he’s ready for slumber. I can still listen to him as long as he needs, and respond as long as my mouth keeps speaking, even if my eyes are flickering.

It’s nice that I don’t have to stretch the phone cord any more or wish we could be right there next to each other. We are, each night, and I’m so very thankful.

2009-05-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

“How foolish I am.
Why am I drawn to the flame
Which extinguishes?”
(Jack Pretusky)

Oh the poor fate of the moth, constantly drawn to that which dies. Just like us. We’re drawn, pulled, tempted by the very thing that kills us. Why such drive and enthusiasm to fly into the very flame of sin? Why such craft to hide in darkness, in lies, in condemnation and guilt when Jesus offers truth, light, and forgiveness, and freedom?

In chatting with a friend today, I was reminded of the sin that can keep us bound for potentially our entire lives on earth. That is, apart from the truth of the Gospel and of Christ. It is quite easy and perhaps even comfortable to find ourselves in a place where lying is easier than truth-telling, where rudeness is preferred over kindness, and where vengeance becomes ours instead of God’s. How He calls us to more than we take for ourselves, the moths that we are!

How grateful I am that He can take these hearts of stone and transform them into honest confession, truth-telling, resulting in grace, redemption, forgiveness, and forever being accepted because of Christ’s perfect life and sacrifice.

We have great hope and freedom. How foolish to be drawn the flame which extinguishes.

Forgotten

2009-04-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

In recent days when people ask me about my Mom, I find myself looking all around the room, trying to think of something to say. I search and search but I often come up rather empty. What can you say about a person when they no longer speak to you? How can you eloquently describe a disease that is not always very eloquent to watch? I often comment on the things we do when visiting her, what A may have done, and simple facts of our visit, scooting right past the real issues of my heart.

It wasn’t until this past week in chatting with my sister that I realized why this occurs. It’s because I didn’t realize where we now are. We’re almost at the end. We’ve entered that final season when there are no more words, expressions, or conversation. It is all quiet.

I can remember when my Mom was first placed in full-time care. There was a woman in the final stages of ALZ who was always in a reclining wheel chair, expressionless, and spoon-fed. S and I would often look at her, finding it hard to imagine the day when my Mom would be that woman.

But I think she is that woman now, and I almost don’t know what to feel about it. It’s strange because so much grieving goes on in the early years that you are in many ways prepared for the later years. And yet I find myself feeling very hurt and lonely, quite saddened when we visit my Mom. And I now I know why. She does not remember me anymore. She does not know me. Sometimes she does not even look in my direction. And I love her. How does it feel to love and receive nothing in return, especially from one’s own mother? It’s heartbreaking to say the least.

It all makes me treasure those years I was at home to help care for her before marrying S. Those were precious times spent and I’m so thankful for them. I realize that it is not Mom’s choosing to forget me, but rather the disease that is slowly, yet quickly taking her memory away by force. She is left with very little in this regard, but I do trust her spirit is being replenished and continually fed by His Spirit.

One day it will all be restored. I hope to embrace her in heaven, again being known, even though all the tears will then be gone. It will be a joy to see her healed and restored.

My Little Martha

2009-04-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

I had to get a filling re-filled this morning at the dentist. ICK. My head has hurt ever since. But, the dentist sure is a gem. He’s very sweet and I think he does a great job, despite the hole he left in our wallets.

I returned home to see my sweet little child run to the door, with her baby doll in one hand and the doll’s bottle in the other. It was obvious that she was very much occupied, yet she juggled her tasks to greet me with a big smile and much chatter. I was overjoyed. I almost forgot my head hurt.

Later in the day while packing boxes, A looked at me and said, “You are a busy, busy bee! You need Martha and Bobby!” We both laughed hysterically. For any of you who have read the book, We Help Mommy by Eloise Wilkin, you will recall the busy mother trying to accomplish all her tasks with her two little tots helping her each step of the way. A proved to be a little Martha to me today and took great joy in packing the boxes. Her specialty was reminding me when I needed “more tape” and making me chuckle the whole way through.

So we are almost all packed. We went to our new apartment last night and got so excited! A joined me in running around the bedrooms in circles and then finally collapsing on the floor in laughter.

We’re excited and so blessed to have a wonderful crew of friends to help us with the move! It helps share the weight and stirs up immense thankfulness to be part of a body of believers. Love each of you!

Silly Quotes

2009-03-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

These were some classics' A said this past week while S was away:

"I love JuJu (her favorite stuffed lion). He's such a great friend!"

"This medicine is just so tasty!"

"I'm tired. I miss Papa."

"Tell Mama what's wrong. Tell Mama what's happened." (speaking to herself)

"Your hair is beautiful! It's gorgeous! It's like brushing a rainbow!" (spoken to me while combing my hair one night)

"Goodness gracious!"

"I'm so tipsy turvy."

"There's a lion in our house." (as she crawls around the floor)

Hope Through Tears

2009-03-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing the wide range of emotions and circumstances’ tears can span. While S has been away this past week, I think I have cried more than in my entire life. And it wasn’t simply because I was homesick for him, though I was, but it was because the Lord brought so many unique circumstances into my week to refine my faith in Him.

I began to wonder what was going on with our girl when she became very testy and was having trouble sleeping. Naps vanished from our routine and she was up for at least three hours a night. I had almost no moment to myself each day. What a challenge to not have S here to help me in such moments. There were times I just sobbed by A’s door, praying for her to go back to sleep, trying to gather just an ounce more of strength to help her through another night/day.

Though challenging, I’ve often found that the Lord wakes me up during the night for divine purposes… often to bring something to light—a sin or area I need to look at, or to pray for others. There is always a purpose. So this week, I had to seek that out—to see what I could be doing in those times when He had me awake. And, perhaps one of those purposes was simply to display love for my girl who ended up having an eye and ear infection. Perhaps it was just to care for her and display faithfulness and tenderness.

To me, the call to obedience seems almost do-able when I am fed, alert, and healthy. But, in the middle of the night, all my theology faces a screeching holt and I am faced with the question: Do you believe it enough now to place your trust in Me? Do you believe it enough to hold on to truth in this trial? Will you trust Me through it? Will you trust I am still in control? Will you cling to Me and My Word?

It is choosing to trust that He is in control and is good. He is faithful whatever should occur. And He does provide the grace and strength we need. My span of tears was great, but He has covered me with such grace and strength! How I rejoice that my life is hidden in Him!

Cereal Chatter

2009-03-11T13:23:00.001-07:00

I had to laugh this morning at the breakfast table when A said to me, “Have some cereal. It’ll make you feel better.” I must have seemed pretty groggy. ;-) Our girl is just cracking us up left and right. I love the way she constructs her sentences and the funny things she says. She even has four made-up people/things that she likes to invite into our conversations simply for humor. They always seem to mimic whatever A is doing. She has such a creative little mind.

Today while making some blueberry buckle she said, “I need a boat to float!” We both cracked up laughing. It was a line from one of her favorite books. Once we finished baking, she said, “I’ll show you where ‘tis.” And sure enough, a few foot steps later, and page turns after, there we were at the right page in the book. She was so proud of herself that she gave me a gigantic hug.

Best job ever… being her Mama. LOVE it!

The Sign

2009-03-09T04:07:00.000-07:00

There’s a big sign outside our window, and outside A’s window, and out on the fence that is so very distracting to me not only visually, but emotionally for some reason. “FOR RENT”. There it is in big, bold letters, drawing noise and attention to our quiet, little apartment. Feet come walking through our home, seeing our pens, cups, toothbrushes, bedspreads, books… things. Walking into our world… strangers.

Why does it bother me so? I love walking through other people’s homes. I find it so very interesting to see what they have inside their walls. In fact, I’m often the one walking down the street, peeking past curtain-views when the sun is beginning to fade and lights turn on. I love to see how people live. Perhaps that’s why it bothers me so; I don’t like strangers walking through our little home.

Deeper than this, though, is the change of it all. I’ve always had a hard time with change. A new walkway, place to park the car, door, windows, kitchen drawers, where we place the computer. Actually, the newness doesn’t bother me as much as leaving the oldness. And, once I’m gone I’m always fine, but it is the anticipation of the going when I miss what will be the “old”. I always get homesick while still in a place, and once I’m gone I’m completely fine. It’s like my process of grieving. In actuality, this makes a lot of sense because I’ve grieved my mom leaving this world while she is still very much alive. It’s the nature of her disease. And sometimes it becomes the nature of how I process things, even though I’ve done this long before she was ever sick.

So off we go, packing boxes, pulling out markers and writing directions, saying goodbye to our little home this past year. I’m homesick for it, and yet I am very excited for step two. God is SO kind to have provided us with this new place! It is just wonderful! I'll blog about that another day... this morning, I was so distracted by the big sign. LOL

Essential for Marriage

2009-01-30T13:43:00.001-08:00

Just after we were engaged, I began to search for books on marriage. And although we read many, I can honestly say that the one I now recommend to all couples above any other is one S gave me a few weeks ago. It’s called, “When Sinners Say ‘I Do’: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage” by Dave Harvey. It is the most candid, thorough, deliberate, and gospel-centered book I’ve ever read on this topic.

Some marriage books give neat little suggestions, address how to deal with conflict, talk about sex, and give little bits of information to the husband and wife. But, this is the first book I’ve read that puts the Gospel at the center of two sinners in marriage. Because, let’s face it: that’s who we are.

Prior to marriage, tucked away in the privacy of my own bedroom, it all seemed quite doable. When I had that time to myself and quiet, I had all the patience and love in the world! So what happens to all that love, grace, and patience? The truth of the matter is that our marriage shouldn’t just be based on how much love we think we have, our commitment to each other, or even the vows we have made. Because even those can be broken. Marriage needs to be focused on the truth of God’s Word which never fails and never changes.

God designed marriage for His glory, and I’m thankful that in that plan He also made it for our good. And, it is good! I love being married to S! Every night before I fall off to sleep, I stare at him sleeping and thank the Lord for the gift I have in Him. I know that God joined us together for His glory, and it’s amazing to me that He has used our own sinfulness to draw us closer to Himself and each other. Things that could have destroyed us, things that could have driven a deep nail of bitterness have brought forth repentance, forgiveness, joy, and intimacy. God is so good and kind to us. We’ve come to rejoice that it is “His kindness that leads to repentance”, and His love that brings forgiveness. It is only through His Word, example, and grace that we can understand forgiveness and offer it to each other.

We’re not afraid of sin anymore because we realize that it is sin that leads us to the cross. It is there that we find grace and forgiveness. In Christ, we’ve been forgiven much! His kindness is immeasurable! I’m amazed at how differently I look at others when I view them through the eyes of mercy. Christ looked upon me in all my sin and chose to forgive me. Although I do it often, I don’t desire to be the man in Matthew who was forgiven much and then did not forgive. What an awful place to be! I want to see my sin, my debt, my need, and HIS grace when I look at S. I want to see Him through the love Christ has shown me.

Must go for now, but seriously, check out the book! It will touch all the areas that no one else touches, and those places we don’t often talk about. And, it will point you to the Gospel of grace, which we all need.

Her Big Day- The Two Year Mark

2009-01-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

My heart has been bursting with excitement the last few days as we’ve been approaching A’s second birthday. I’m just abundantly blessed as I think back on all the memories we have these last two years. My life is all the fuller and richer because of our daughter!

This morning when we woke A from bed, we sang “Happy Birthday” to her. She said, “Sing again, Mama, Papa?” And, at breakfast as I was reminding her how much we have to be thankful for she said, “So thankful for dinner!” ;-)

This morning was A’s first day in the big-kid room at church! She was welcomed by such wonderful, caring individuals! She learned about Jesus being baptized by John, played with friends, and was invited to celebrate her birthday with a little cake! We’re so blessed by such thoughtfulness! When we asked A what she thought of her morning in the big class she said, “It was interesting!” and then we all laughed!

A’s friend Rosie gave her a pair of her own red tights. She put them in a brown paper bag with a purple piece of paper taped to the outside with her name on it. How dear is that?!

And, as if that weren’t enough to touch our hearts, our landlord and his girlfriend stopped by to see her today. They brought two books as gifts! They know how much she loves books and they wanted to encourage her love for reading. It was just amazing!

In a few hours, we’ll head over to have dinner with both sets of Grandparents and one set of Great- Grandparents. A keeps saying how she can’t wait to see her “friends” tonight. And… to have pizza, of course! HA.

I’m baking some cookies, nibbling on them as I go, and reflecting on the goodness of God in our dear, precious child. Thank you, God! You are so good to us! What a privilege it is to point this precious child to Yourself, what a joy to serve you in raising her. Thank you! We love you!

Big Changes in our Little One

2009-01-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Our little muffin is changing so much. It’s almost as if we have a new child! She’s growing in her curiosity, imagination, and VOCABULARY! For Christmas, we gave her a collection of Eric Carle’s longer stories. She walks around the house saying, “Eric Carle” and then “Read Pancakes” because she loves his story about pancakes. She also goes in to her kitchen to make us pancakes and pizza. We had some friends over for pizza the day after Christmas, and ever since, she can’t stop talking about pizza. We picked up a book at the library a couple days ago about Curious George at the pizza shop and now she requests to read it quite frequently.

The most interesting of all is that in a couple of her books the word “sad” is referenced. One was in a Curious George book when we he realized he lost the bunny and the other in her Eloise Wilkin book which says that God is with us when we are lonely, hurt, sorry, or sad. The other evening when A didn’t particularly enjoy the meal of choice, she looked at me and said, “Mama, I’m sad.”  Oh my! Now she says it when Papa leaves, when she is disappointed, or when she needs extra snuggles. Wow.

She also surprised us today by saying “I’m happy!” after we finished lunch. She then said, “Happy New Year, Ju-Ju!” (Judah is her favorite Lion friend.)

With all these new words also have come many new changes. She was scared and sad going to bed a few nights in a row, seemed to have some bad dreams, became very clingy during the daytime hours, and was rather frustrated at the challenges in communicating with us. Sometimes these words are not the easiest to understand! We are trying hard because we desire to know her heart and thoughts.

This is an exciting time! Words are connecting with her thoughts and emotions, and we are getting to know and understand her in fresh and exciting ways. We’re grateful and excited for this new season!

The Greatest Gift

2008-12-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

A received a really great book from the childcare workers at church for Christmas. It's about all the neat gifts we might receive for Christmas, but how the greatest gift of all is Jesus, who came to take away all our sin. It's an excellent little book and we've been reading it each night before bed.

This led me to a similar story in one of my favorite books, The Valley of Vision. It is a collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions which I believe I referenced at one time previously. Here's a wonderful exerpt to share with you about the Greatest Gift of all, Jesus.

O Source of all good,
What shall I render to thee for the gift of gifts,
thine own dear Son, begotten, not created,
my redeemer, proxy, surety, substitute,
his self-emptying incomprehensible,
his infinitely of love beyond the heart's grasp.
Herein is the wonder of wonders:
he came below to raise me above,
was born like me that I might become like him.
Herein is love;
when I cannot rise to him he draws near on wings of grace,
to raise me to himself.
Herein is power;
when Deity and humanity were infinitely apart
he united them in indissoluble unity, the uncreate and the created.
Herein is wisdom;
when I was undone, with no will to return to him,
and no intellect to devise recovery,
he came, God-incarnate, to save me to the uttermost,
as man to die my death,
to shed satisfying blood on my behalf,
to work out a perfect righteousness for me.
O God, take me in spirit to the watchful shepherds, and
enlarge my mind;
let me hear good tidings of great joy,
and hearing, believe, rejoice, praise, adore,
my conscience bathed in an ocean of repose,
my eyes lifted up to a reconciled Father;
place me with ox, ass, camel, goat,
to look with them upon my redeemer's face,
and in him account myself delivered from sin;
let me with Simeon clasp with new-born child to my heart,
embrace him with undying faith,
exulting that he is mine and I am his.
In him though hast given me so much that heaven can give me no more.

Mindless Mentality

2008-12-13T02:42:00.000-08:00

This past week while not feeling well, I was forced to rest in bed. My mentality was not at its sharpest, so it was nice to mindlessly watch some television. And while some of that was nice, I couldn’t afford to watch mindlessly.

Viewing a Christmas movie, totally dazed and comforted with blankets, snug as a bug, was enjoyable. However watching some other things was quite alarming. We don’t watch television very often. We usually turn it on for a few minutes in the morning for the news, and then if there is a good program on in the late evening we’ll give it a watch. So, to be exposed to all the daytime chat, the who’s who in Hollywood, and the latest televangelists was truly eye-opening.

I was really thankful for a great Pastor when I came across one show in particular. A pastor was attempting to answer the question, “Why does God not answer our prayers?” Great question and I’m sure he had many listeners. Who doesn’t at one time or another ask that question? He went on to answer it with “Because of sin.” He quoted a familiar verse and I agree that sin can be a hindrance to prayer. However, this man took a very different approach when we began reading a story about the Israelites, inferring that we are like them and God can not hear us because of our sin. He said that we need to be doing good things to continue to be in right relationship with Him so He can hear us. And, he went so far as to say that when we do that, just like He blessed the Israelites with crops and fertility, He will bless us. He said, “You know that house you want, or maybe that car or job… He’ll give that to you when you walk in obedience. That’s His blessing on you.” Really?

The thing that troubled me beyond the personal prosperity message and trying to encourage people to obey for selfish reasons is that we aren’t the Israelites. The Israelites were part of a conditional covenant. God’s relationship with them was dependant on their obedience. But, as believers in Christ today, we are part of a new covenant that is everlasting because of Jesus’ work on the cross. It’s not dependant on our obedience but on what Christ has done to pay for the penalty of our sin. And, He’s come to offer forgiveness, grace, freedom, and truth, not a better house or car. I’m not saying that He can’t provide those things for us. I think He can. He certainly cared for us in making provision for our car when ours was totaled. He faithfully provided a new job for S that very same day. He is so tremendously good in caring for us. But, our trust is not in that “better” thing. It’s trusting in the work of Christ and the wisdom and character of God.

I can recall a moment a few years ago when we were going through a rather rough patch of sin and hardship. I was often puzzled at the fact that God continued to use us in situations. Granted, there were areas where we saw definite consequences for sin and still do to this day, but we also continued to be graciously used by God in the lives of others. A friend said to us at that time, “Christ is greater than your sin. Do you really think that He can’t use you in the midst of it?” He came to save us because of His great love in light of our sin. We needed a Savior. And, yet even after salvation, who among us can say we are good or righteous? Apart from Christ, we are and have nothing. It is all His work. So, isn’t it also His continued work that can use our redeemed souls in light of our continued fight with sin?

As I said, sin has consequences. It can hinder our prayers and relationships. But, let us dare not say that our purpose for choosing obedience is to be materially blessed. Our purpose in desiring obedience is to honor God, to show gratitude for salvation, and to live a life worthy of our calling in Christ.

All these thoughts from a sick one... so thankful God’s Spirit is strong in our weakness!

Words Are So Fun

2008-12-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a humbling couple weeks with an ugly flu bug rearing its head in our home, but I think we're now on the mend. We pray so. I have so many budding blog ideas, but for now I'll leave you with a few simple funnies.

Our home is now filled with the glorious sounds of our little one! A is growing in her vocabulary and it's a total joy! She has the funniest sense of humor. For instance, when we sit down for meals she's used to us saying, "Ok, let's wait till we all sit down and pray before touching our food." So, now she laughs when we sit down and says, "Wa-wa-wa-WAIT, Baby!" We all laugh!

Today we were at the store purchasing some shipping supplies to mail a package and I pulled Bubble Wrap off the shelf. A said, "Bubbles-- Yeah Baby!" LOL.

She can practically repeat anything these days and it's so fun to hear her voice as she learns more about connecting thoughts and concepts into words. It's so nice to have more tangible communication as well.

The funniest thing that gets us every time is Orange Juice. We serve it just with breakfast. She gets the biggest kick out of asking for it at lunch and dinner. She says, "Orange Juish?" And then she laughs hysterically. We respond, "You silly girl, we have Orange Juice and breakfast!" And we all laugh.

It's fun and we're enjoying every minute. :-)

More to come soon!

Peace or Prosperity

2008-11-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

I have a very heaven-minded husband. He longs to be in the presence of the Lord and would often much rather be there than here. When we first started dating and even upon engagement and marriage, I did not understand his way of thinking. In times of Scripture memorization, I often questioned the verses, “Who have I in heaven but you? And beside You I desire nothing on earth” or “To depart and be with Christ is much better, but for your sake I remain.” I fully and readily admit that I felt quite at home here, and in a sense my love for S may have felt more tangible and reciprocal than my love with Christ.

But through these last few years, my heart and hunger for Heaven have increased. My passion to share with the lost has more deeply developed. My love for the Lord has reached the heights because I know this world has nothing to offer me.

I don’t mean this in a fatalistic sort of way. I believe we should be taking advantage of opportunities, serving the Lord and each other well, enjoying the blessings He has given us here, but our HOPE, our JOY, our TRUST, our PURPOSE should not be here. It should be found in the person of Christ and in His promises.

I’ve been reading a book entitled Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentiss. It’s a journal of a woman’s journey to godliness. The main character, Kate faces many hardships in life: her father dies when she is still a child, upon marriage her husband is often away and she is left with a household of critical observers, her son dies, and she faces much illness. Here are quotes near the end of her journal:

“And I can see now, what I wonder I did not see at the time, that God was dealing very kindly and wisely with me…” (256)

“But I see more and more that happiness is not dependent on health or any other outside prosperity. We are at peace with each other and at peace with God; His dealings with us do not perplex or puzzle us, though we do not pretend to understand them” (257).

“God’s ways are infinitely perfect; we are to love Him for what He is and therefore equally as much when He afflicts as when He prospers us; there is no real happiness but in doing and suffering His will; and that this life is but a scene of probation through which we pass to the real life above” (258).

There is a great temptation in American today to believe the lie that God exists to prosper us and that is when we are truly blessed. John Piper does a wonderful job of sharing that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him through suffering. Please watch this excellent video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEZGDFKI6LE

God is our strength in weakness. He is glorified in us when we praise Him through hardship. He is our glorified when we’re content to not compare. He is glorified when our hearts don’t long for more outside Him. He is glorified when everything around us fails and we fix our eyes on Him. May He be glorified in us today.

Chartreuse and the Sillies

2008-11-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

A is really enjoying her recent discovery of new words. She loves when we open the fridge and she can say Ed (for bread), Ess (for eggs), Orange (for Orange Juice), Apes (for grapes), and Mom (for milk). All of these make me laugh for one reason or another.

A seems to have certain words that make her laugh hysterically, and she holds on to them for days. She finds a word that's funny to her and wants to say it or have it said to her constantly. When we were in NC the word was Couscous. Aunt D made us couscous with our dinner one evening. We placed A's plate before her and said, "This is couscous". She laughed SO hard and within a second, we were all laughing.

Once back from NC, she started to say "Doree" and laughed every time I said it back to her. We think it could be a combination of things: 1.) Her middle name is Doreen. 2.) Her Aunt's name is Doreen. 3.) She has a doll named Dora. 4.) One of her first words was door and adding the "eee" sound made it all the more fun!

The other day we were walking through the market and A must have said "Doree" a thousand times, consistently cracking up each time. Now, don't get me wrong -- Doree is still a HUGE hit, but this afternoon we discovered a new word of hilarity: Chartreuse. It's a color that is in the middle of yellow and green. We heard it on Blue's Clues and as soon as it rolled off Joe's tongue, she looked at me and smiled. I said, "Chartreuse?!" And she laughed harder! I knew it would be our new word of sillies. We were saying it all through dinner and all three of us were laughing hysterically.

Life is just so fun with our little one! And all the more fun with words.

Anywhere But Nineveh

2008-11-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

There’s a particular story in Scripture that strikes a chord in me. It’s the story found in Jonah 1-4. God was calling Jonah to a people that were running far away from Him, and what did Jonah decide to do? Run far away from God. I can not help but laugh when I read Sally Lloyd-Jones’ interpretation of Jonah in this paragraph:

“It was a silly plan. (Because you can run away from God, but He will always come to find you.)
Jonah went ahead with his not-very-good plan. ‘One ticket to NOT Nineveh, please!’ he said and boarded a boat sailing in the very opposite direction of Nineveh.” (The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every story whispers His name)

Isn’t that how we are? I’ll follow you here in this particular situation I prefer, but not there. Anywhere but there. But, that’s exactly where Jonah ends up at the end of the story.

This is amazing. God called Jonah to Nineveh knowing that Jonah would run, and it was his running that gave him such a testimony before the people. He had run far from God, and God forgave him and continued to use him. When Jonah shared his story with the people of Nineveh, they turned to God and loved Him, too.
This story causes me to reflect on God’s sovereignty and great love for His people. It also reminds me that there is purpose in all that we face, even the thorns in our flesh. God ordains the thorns and uses them for His glory, and can use our running, too.

I think of the many poor decisions that live in the past; the ways we could’ve chosen obedience and chose the opposite. Sometimes the consequences of sin can almost seem to outweigh the fruits of obedience. But, it’s not as it appears. In fact, I’ve come to realize that even our disobedience can be used of God when we’ve come to Him in repentance and trust in His work on the cross. In fact, He can turn it into something very beautiful, something redeemable, and something that not only draws people to Himself, but draws us closer to Him.

I think before we question the circumstances God places us in, or even what He seems to call us to, we should thank Him. He really does know what He’s doing. It’s as if my fear of the what-if’s has now left me. And they’re not hidden in my closet; instead, they’re freed in the truth I’ve found in Christ. I know that whatever comes my way has purpose. He knows. He will not leave for forsake me. He is good. The sins of today and tomorrow are covered by His blood and redeemed for His glory. Praise God.

I desire to follow Him to Nineveh, and I’m thankful for what He takes me through to get there.

The Valley of Vision

2008-10-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

I can't read this prayer enough. It's found in "The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions".

"Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the rejoicing soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter the stars shine;
Let me find thy in the darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Sloppy Spirituality

2008-10-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I feel sloppy this week. Clothes dishevelled, hair a mess, gaze elsewhere. It's as if I can't quite formulate my thoughts to make sense out loud.

Sometimes the appeal of the things of this world can be pretty powerful. It's easy to get sloppy in our spirituality, or better-said, in our pursuit of holiness. And, it's not always that we're not spending time in His Word, but our heart and mind may not be in it when we are. I had many days this past week when I sat with His Word open before me, and my heart was captivated by other things. I was even placing my hope in those things. And yet He calls me to trust and place my hope in the fact that He IS reality and all His promies of past and future, are true.

I had a friend a few months ago take me aside and say with tears in her eyes, "There are many ways to spend your time, and many of those ways are not bad in themselves. They can be very good things. But, don't do them at cost of losing sight of Him. He's jealous for you. He desires that you spend time with Him." I'm thankful for those words returning to me this week.

There are so many "good" things that can draw us away from Him, subtly requiring worship, and I am easily captivated by them. And, yet we are challenged to not have any gods before Him.

My sloppiness is in direct correlation to knowing His Word. I attended Bible College years ago and in that setting felt sharp, challenged, knowledgeable. I could quote Scripture left and right because I spent a large portion of my day in His Word, and if not through personal study, in classes. I rarely had a moment apart from it. This is not to say that the same temptation did not exist then, but I am even more challenged today to STUDY, to learn and to grow.

Sometimes I feel as if I've been cursed with a faulty memory. I remember many of things I wish I wouldn't: wrongs done to me, faults of others, painful experiences, and yet I struggle to have a wealth of Scripture committed to memory. Yes, we are part of this world and living in it means experiencing pain, sin, regrets, etc. Yet I don't want to excuse Scripture memorization because I'm not good at memorizing. I know for a fact that the more I quote Scripture to my daughter, the more I remember it myself. I want to speak more out loud. I want Scripture to be a part of my daily vocabulary. I do not want to be spiritually sloppy.

I was challenged on Sunday morning by a statement made in class, "It's foolish to expect the Holy Spirit to give you words to speak in situation when there's nothing in your heart to draw upon." I want a storehouse of verses, a wealth of truth for Him to draw upon.

On a totally different note: ;) I've been realizing what God is calling me to right now, beyond obedience and holiness. For so long, we had planned on living and serving overseas. In a sense, I was not nervous at all to communicate truth in another context and culture. I was eager to learn that culture and speak truth in that context in a way that could be understood. The challenge to me now is doing that here, in my own culture. Sometimes it's easy to think of how very different we are from our culture. It's as simple as being in a setting of unbelievers and realizing how very differently you view the conversation or topic at hand. And, people notice this. And, yet at the same time, we are LIGHT and we are a FRAGRANCE of Christ to those who are perishing. I've been challenged this week that as different as we are, we are still also similar. We speak the same language, live in the same area, face many similar situations, and all deep down-- are sinners. I think that alone causes us to be a little more gracious and to want to extend that truth and grace to those who do not know it.

All this to say, I want to store up His truth in my heart and mind so that I can honor Him in each opportunity presented to me, but also so I can honor Him in how I think and live.

I'm off to comb my hair and fix my gaze upon the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Visit to Mom

2008-10-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

My mother has Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed in 2000, the year before I graduated college. It was a very emotional time, especially those early years. I have endless journal entries telling the story of her illness from before diagnosis to current day, the many things I miss and grieve, and the precious memories and praises.

A and I went to visit Mom today, but we were not seen by her. We were in front of her, shared a meal, walked the gardens, but perhaps never really signed in at the desk, for she did not notice us.

I looked at some photos this evening of a visit we had with Mom when A was about 8 months old, a little over a year ago. It was an entirely different experience. Mom reached for my girl, and she reached for me. We smiled. It broke me this evening to look at those photos. I miss simply being noticed. I miss being seen.

It's strange to survey a room of seniors to realize that my 20 month old is more advanced developmentally. The same woman who taught me how to hold a spoon and fork is now fed by another's hands. And, there A sits feeding herself. I've taught her what Mom taught me, and yet I don't feel as if A knows Mom. My little lovey stares at her Mammie almost wondering what's going on. It struck me so strongly today that it is my responsibility to teach my little girl about my amazing Mom. I want her to know her through my stories. I must be attentive to this. Her legacy is too precious to stop being told.

I kissed her when we left. A hugged her. And, tonight, I just really miss her. And, I know that a great deal of the heart I have as a mother came from what I received from her.

I love you, Mom. I think the hardest I ever cried was the night we took you from my childhood home to your new home. Who would ever imagined all that has taken place? And, yet nothing is hidden from the Lord, and in your dark room tonight as you sleep, His presence is with you. His provision, protection, and promise remains true for you. I pray His comfort is ever in your mind and heart. I long for the day you are fully restored to Him. And, one day, we'll catch up there. Till then, I'll keep loving you here, and praying you through.

The Recipe for Laundry Soap

2008-09-24T04:31:00.000-07:00

This is from the website: http://tipnut.com/10-homemade-laundry-soap-detergent-recipes/, with notes from my friend, Jenny. Happy laundering! :-)

Powdered Laundry Detergent - Recipe #4
2 Soap (finely grated)
1 cup Washing Soda
1 cup Borax
Mix well and store in an airtight plastic container.
Use 2 tablespoons per full load.

Additional tips from Jenny:

- I grate my soap using a cheese grater, then put it in a food processor to get it finer.

-I found a little tablespoon measuring tin cup (looks like a shot glass) -- which most hold about 4 tablespoons, so you use just 1/2 of it for each load (2 tablespoons), some more for very soiled loads. Just put the small glass in your container to act as the scoop!

-There will be nooooo suds! Bubbles don't do the work, it's the ingredients in the powder!

-Put the powder in the washer before you put your laundry in it, so that the soap dissolves, you can put some warm/hot water in it to make it work faster, then use cold in the rest of the washer to save more money!

-Call your local markets before shopping for the ingredients---so that you're not wasting money going from Walmart/Wegmans/Giant like I did....

-use vinegar (2 tablespoons/load) as the fabric softener (I know it sounds wierd), but it actually does a few things for you. It neutralizes any of those funky odors from towels and washclothes (ya know the smell--it's aweful). AND--it is cheaper than regular fabric softener! AND--it will keep the bar soap from clogging your pipes from soap scum build up. I've used it and it's great. I was hesitant the first few times because once the washer does the first spin cylce, it releases the vinegar (as it does softener) and it smells a little 'vinegary'. BUT--once the washer fills up with water and does it's rinse thing, the clothes come out fine! I usually hang my laundry out (again to save money AND because they smell so darn good!)

-I also cut my fabric softener sheets in half--and use them over and over again until there is nothing left to them! I use the sheets mostly for the smell--since I'm already using the vinegar....

-Use oxyclean if you feel that your whites aren't just quite white enough----a lot of people use it with regular detergent.

-If you have an HE or front loading machine, there are recipes on the tipnut--read through the comments and someone has one posted.

You will need:

-Borax
-Arm and Hammer WASHING soda (not baking soda--these are entirely two differnt things).
-And BAR soap (Ivory, Zote, Fels Naptha, Irish Sping, Zest)--no soap with oils!! (like Oil of Olay and Dove). Just pick one that you like the smell of--a lot of people use Fels Naptha (old time washboard soap) but I havn't found it anywhere around here. So, I use Irish Spring (yum!!)

The cost? About 6.00 for the above.....
How long will it last? about 1 month for 1 batch, for a family of 5, average of 9 loads of laundry/week, it ends up being about 40-50 loads/batch for the measly cost of 3.00/batch.

So--3.00 vs. 12 or 15 for yummy smelling Tide....

which will you choose?

Advantages: you can make it when you want to, no money spent on gas, no big plastic containers to recycle, you know what is in it--and just knowing you made it yourself.

Something Green

2008-09-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

A friend recently told us about this super easy recipe to make our own laundry detergent. Not only does it work but it saves money! You can do 40-50 loads of laundry for $3! Get out! All it takes is Borax, Washing Soda and Soap!

A and I made up our first batch today. I have to say it was one of the first times in our marriage that I was truly sad to realize that we don't have enough dirty clothes to do laundry! ;-) I can't wait to try it out our new recipe! I guess A and I might just have to play outside some more, dirty our clothes, and well... wash them up! :-)

Going green!

PS: Band-aid Sticker

2008-09-18T10:49:00.001-07:00

We've never had to use a Band-aid on our girl. Well, maybe once when I trimmed her nails too close to the skin when she was a wee-girl, and even then it was hard to put it on her finger. I have friends whose children love Band-aids so much that they go on their dolls, books, chairs, etc.

I thought yesterday would be the start of the Band-aid revolution, and that soon all of our stuffties would be sporting Band-aids as part of their regular attire. A pinched her finger in a door and I could tell that it REALLY hurt. Once we made sure all was okay, I thought having a Band-aid on it might help to alleviate extra pain when she'd touch things with her finger. I took her to the closet, explained that a Band-aid was kind of like a sticker, but it was to go on her finger to help it feel better. She knew right away that Band-aids in no way were supposed to go on our fingers! I could tell by her face, "Mama, really, how many times have we played with stickers; we don't wear them, silly!" So, she took the Band-aid and gently placed it on the floor. I figured if her finger was functioning well, we didn't really need the Band-aid anyway. So, off we went to play.

Well, since that incident, whenever A finds her sticker from the market, she walks it to the closet door and places it on the floor, right where she put the Band-aid sticker. She's so funny.

The things she learns

2008-09-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

The other day we were reading a book to A about a car and a man named Sam. It was really sweet. She loved it! The one page read, "I love my car. I keep my car clean." A reached over my lap to touch the couch. She was moving her hand in a circular motion. Ah ha! She was cleaning the couch! It was so sweet.

Yesterday we went to playdate at a neighbor's house and the mom brought out dish towels for the girls to use for twirling and dancing. A looked at the towel she was handed and immediately began to clean the floor, couch, etc. I just had to laugh!

Can you tell part of our day always involves cleaning something? ;-)

HA

The Mirror to My Heart

2008-09-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

We recently acquired an old dresser mirror from S’s family. The house it came from takes excellent care of everything in their home, so we didn’t give it a thought to clean the mirror. We brought it home, put it on display and went on with our lives.

Some days I would look at the mirror and think, “Wow, it sure is a shame that the mirror isn’t in better condition.” Just yesterday I was cleaning the house and I decided to clean the mirror. It wiped completely clean!! It was gorgeous! I just sat on the floor dumbfounded.

Isn’t it the same with sin? Sometimes we give into temptation, thinking it’s just how we are and not believing that the battle has already been won by what Christ accomplished on the cross. We are no longer slaves to sin. Temptation surrounds us daily but there is promised victory in Christ!

We believe that His death accomplished salvation for us, but we forget that it also achieved victory over sin. Sometimes I think we’re okay with being dirty mirrors. We’re used to things being a little cloudy and we’re not sure what it would be like to be shiny and clean. But hasn’t He called us clean? Hasn’t He washed us? For what? To bring Him glory and honor.

The other day I was looking forward to a planned family outing. I made a nice meal and then A and I went outside to wait for S to arrive. Minutes turned into a half hour and then an hour. And as the seconds ticked by, my frustrations grew greater and greater until I had to excuse myself, go into the kitchen and release all my frustration to the Lord. God is so good and was gracious to calm my spirit; I am confident that I had all I needed in that moment to live a godly life and to make wise decisions. But, I also kind of liked the other side. As much as I wanted to be forgiving and gracious to S, I also wanted him to know my disappointment.

John 3:19 says that men love darkness more than light. Unfortunately this is part of our reality with sin. We like darkness and still want a little piece of that action. It somehow feels right to participate in it. Well, for a moment. But, it’s not right and God calls us to a higher path.

Paul David Tripp says, “We are not free to handle difficulties in whatever way seems best to us. When we are wronged, the thing of highest importance is not that we feel satisfied or avenged, but that we respond according to God’s plan and for His glory.” (War of Words, 164). What a challenge. I need to be dealing with situations as a servant of the Most High.

S did not need to be reprimanded when he walked in the door. Grace would have been a little bit nicer and would have provided a much more comforting cover of his head from the troubles of the world. Not to mention, God was using Him in unique ways while I sat at home grumbling instead of considering what God was doing in my heart. And, He desired to carry it out to completion. I stopped just a little too soon. My vision was clouded by my frustration.

Not only do we need to respond redemptively to the big situations in life, but also the little day-to-day ones, too. 2 Peter 1:3-4 says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”

I want to offer my heart, my mouth, my thoughts, everything as instruments for righteousness. I really believe the mirror can be clean. I cling to that hope. And, I want to stop being okay with the dirt, the grime and the sin. Its hold on me has been broken in Christ! I want to live in that reality.

Thanks for being gracious, S. And, thanks for calling me to a higher standard when I delight in sin, especially when I try to excuse it.

First Words

2008-09-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

These are some of A's first words:

Bob (Papa)
Mom (Mama)
She says her own name perfectly!!
Esss (Yes)
Nooo (No)
Nan (Banana)
App (Apple)
Boo (Book)

It's fun; she has a very sweet little voice. :-)

Bun Pun and Putting a Face on Postmodernism

2008-09-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

So there I was sitting in class last night, not making a peep when "this" occurs. My professor was asking us some questions, in fun, about what we envisioned when we heard the word "librarian". People were telling stories of the librarians they knew growing up. You know, the classic glasses-low-on-nose, "SHHHH-kind of librarians". We were all laughing because we could all think of such examples. That was until this came out of her mouth . . . ;-)

She said, "The classic librarian you picture is probably meek and mild, going into the profession to be sequestered in a little space, wearing a bun and glasses." As the words rolled off her tongue, it was almost as if we all realized I was that person. I was wearing a bun, had glasses on, and was meek and mild! LOL Oh my goodness; it was quite hilarious. Although no one made a peep, I was bursting inside with laughter!

The funniest thing about it was just that morning I had said to S how I was thinking about cutting my hair and he said he loves when I wear it in a bun. So, upon hearing this funny story, he took full responsibility. ha

On a more serious note, I'm grateful for the experience of being exposed to the thoughts and perspectives that exist in the Postmodern world. It's been neat to put a face on it and learn more about the beliefs that prevail in our culture. Postmodernism seems so accepting, agreeable, and popular. And as much as all ways of thinking are deemed "acceptable", claiming exclusivity to one way is an entirely different story. What a unique setting today to communicate exclusive claims from a holy God.

Minutes, Half Hour, Gone

2008-09-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

I need to go prep dinner and do some schoolwork, but figure the best way to not get so behind on here is to actually write from time to time.

A has been doing so well in her big bed!! We’re so proud of her! Time has just placed this toddler before us. She has preferences, thoughts, and perspectives. She is such an individual and yet so like us, too.

I took a photo of A today outside and with her hair all pulled back, and her head and expression looked just like she did in a picture when she was about 7 months old. It was precious to have a gift like that arrive this morning in our front yard. I don’t ever desire to go back in time, but I love being reminded of her younger days. Each year and stage is so unique and a tremendous blessing.

Another detail I’m so thrilled about is that we seem to have an answer! Since A was a small baby, she’s always had chronic stomach pains. They’ve gotten increasingly worse over time, sometimes lasting for days, with many tears along the way. No one seemed terribly alarmed by these pains, but more recently they became rather difficult for all of us to watch. If there is a solution to a problem, should we not seek it? We sensed there was a solution and began praying for wisdom to know what it was. Of course, all along S had an idea of what it could be. Let it me known, he is right 99.8% of the time. ;-)

I finally called the pediatrician again and they agreed with us that she might be lactose intolerant. We’re taking a week off dairy and if that doesn’t help, we’ll keep looking for other causes. It’s pleasant to be going somewhere instead of saying at the same place.

~~Another thing we’re considering these days is homeschooling. It’s been on my heart for a long time, but I honestly never really felt equipped or qualified. A dear friend, though, often encourages me that our wisdom comes from Lord and I need to spend less time searching for all the answers and more time listening to Him. I don’t have to have all the information in my head right now. God can prepare and equip me and by His strength and leading, I can do whatever He places before me.

Why homeschooling? Well, we sense that A will be a very self-disciplined and motivated individual, and she’s also very good at keeping herself occupied creatively. She’s also a very good listener and has a great attention to details. Above all this, though, we’ve seen many tremendous examples of families who homeschool,\ and we sense that it might be a very good fit for our family. We echo the pros and cons Jodi has shared in her blog on homeschooling (http://theyoungpages.com/jodis_blog/), and we are keeping similar lists in our heads and home. We’ll continue to pray for wisdom and trust that God will faithfully guide.

I’ve always known that our family will be very close and dear to each other. I just didn’t realize it might entail spending every day at home with my girl. ;-) A fire has burst in my heart to consider this new possibility! I would love it. God creates us specifically and specially tailored for how He will use us, and if this is one way He’ll use me, I will gladly accept.

Growing Up

2008-08-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

We've been thinking recently that A might be ready for a toddler bed. We simultaneously found an amazing deal and a local family delivered it to our house today. YEY craigslist!

We just put A down for the night and she splendidly well. We prayed together, placed her in bed, covered her up, and walked towards the door. As I looked back, I saw this big girl laying there, covered up with her blanket, looking dearly back at us. She looked so much older! Gone are crib days forever. She's in a big girl bed. It was bittersweet.

All day long I could not wait to make the bed, introduce her to it, get excited, etc. And, the moment we took the crib down I just wanted to cry. ;-) Oh, the life of a mom. S is such a wonderful balance for me. :-)

So, here we are in the quiet of the evening with our big girl dreaming on her new bed in the next room. Sleep tight, love!

Dust

2008-08-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

I'm an Israelite. I’ve complained against the Lord in the heat of the desert. If it weren’t so hot and if the wind was not in my face, I would have a better perspective and be fine. Why is the desert essential to growth? Does God really allow us to walk through the desert to glorify Him?

You may recall the end of the story: the Israelites put their trust and hope in the power of the Lord and the truth of His Word. They realized that He was in control the entire time. It must have been a little embarrassing for them, humbling at the least. Isn’t the same true for us? Why did I fret? Why did I get so angry at you and others, Lord, when really, it was all for my good? Ultimately, it was all for Your glory, Lord.

God is faithful and rules sovereignly over ALL our trials; He governs and orders them. Do you believe that? Could it possibly be true? Why would He bring something so painful and difficult into our lives? So that in the end, when it is all said and done, we will fear Him and put our trust in Him. Strong words, but true. I assure you of this. God is holy and wants us to be holy and it just so happens that circumstances are one way to draw us closer to Him and holiness. And, sometimes these circumstances appear to us as too much to bear.

I once faced a very difficult situation and had to face much of it alone. Although not many people audibly heard my complaints, I can say with honesty that they existed in my heart. Tears flowed inside me. Why, Lord? Why this? Why now? What at all? It was extremely difficult to understand, let alone to aim to trust Him through it. Yet, in God's great mercy and love, He remained faithful to me when I was faithless. And, the end result continues to be something beautiful, not outward, but deep and lasting within.

I’ve seen fruit of the trial. I’ve seen His goodness, and even if I never see the ultimate answers to some questions, I trust Him. And, I saw it again tonight. How kind of Him to show me through a friend that He continues to use what I saw as darkness to bring light to others. HE uses the trial, which He brought into my life, so He might be glorified and others might grow in holiness.

Our God has a history that is worth studying. He has a way in which He cares for His people, and He is committed to continue to declare His fame both on His own, and through our lives. How blessed we are to be a part of that!

So, the sand, the heat, the wind and dust are okay, as long as I know He governs it all.

Weekend Away

2008-08-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

We're getting ready to meet up with my roommates from college and their families for the weekend. We've all rented cabins at a campground. I am so looking forward to it! We're the kind of friends that just pick up where we left off, so it always goes smoothly when we're together.

It will be especially nice for all of our kids to get to know each other better. We're hoping this is something we can continue each year.

So, I'm off to pack, pray, and trusting the Lord for a great time of catching up, sharing, and growing together. :-)

Sunday Morning

2008-08-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

My heart was overflowing with gratitude this morning at church. I am thankful to be in a place where truth is preached unashamedly, and hearts are impacted by the Word of God.

As I looked around the sanctuary, it seemed that everywhere I turned, I knew personally of those around me. We’ve shared in Bible Study together, in prayer, over dinner, or in the lobby. We’ve gotten to know each others’ names and stories. We’ve encouraged one another in our spiritual growth.

I’ve met godly women who walk in truth and desire the same for others. I’ve seen them live out the word of God unashamedly, yet gently and graciously. I’ve shared tears with those struggling, and joy with those rejoicing.

Most importantly, the Word of God is shared boldly and accurately. I’m thankful for a Pastor that truly loves his flock and shepherds us. And, he's not afraid to share the things that could be offensive to the world around us because it's what God wants us to know in His Word.

I am thankful for people being willing to share their weaknesses and personal struggles, and that I in-turn can be transparent and expose areas of sin in my own life. I’m thankful that Adah will grow up among such a wonderful spiritual family.

S and I have seen what the church can be, and we are so thankful to be here.

Don't Waste Your Time

2008-07-31T12:04:00.000-07:00

When you're tempted to worry, pray. I was challenged by this concept a few months back when reading Running Scared by Ed Welch. The book is filled with incredible wisdom and insight, and I highly recommend it if you’re struggling with fear or anxiety, or even simply trusting God.

Worry wastes time. It immeasurably robs us of precious moments we can spend praying and thanking the Lord for His provision. It draws our eyes away from what is true. It captivates us to spend our time dwelling on things that really are already taken care of by a Sovereign God.

Last week, S was in a car accident on the way to work. He was completely fine, but our car was totaled. We knew that we did not have the funds to purchase a new vehicle. But, we decided to pray and trust the Lord. He knew about the accident. He knew of our need. He knew the questions of our hearts. And, He is so faithful!

Before the end of his workday, the Center where S works offered him a new position with a raise. Wow. How foolish it would have been to spend the whole morning worrying when God had gone before us and worked everything out. He cares faithfully for the birds of the air, and He cares faithfully and tenderly for His children.

Our trust is not in the hope of a new position or higher income. Our trust is in the God who knows our needs and provides for us as individuals, and for us as a family. Our trust is that the righteous will never be forsaken. We are never alone. God sees and knows all things. We are never removed from His sight and His love and care for us is beyond measure.

Today, we’re trying to search for a replacement car. The temptation to worry is back… I must act fast; someone else could buy this car, etc. S reminded me, “If the car is the one God is providing for us, we don’t have to worry. It will be there.” Sigh. Thank you, God! If I look back, I recall countless times when this has been true in our lives. We really can leave things in His hands! God is far more attentive to detail than we are, and far more able than we are to accomplish the things that will bring Him honor.

I often say I’m like James in the Bible. I look in the mirror and forget what I’ve seen/learned within hours, even minutes. God is so gentle to show me again.

When I sense the temptation to worry, I pray instead. The weight is lifted completely and the control is removed from my hands and placed into His. What a better place for it to be!

I pray for His glory and His fame in all circumstances—even if circumstances conflict with my personal preference. He can be trusted!

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.”

Strands of Grey

2008-07-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

I want to grow in wisdom; I want to be grey. With each new strand that arrives on my head, I know it has come with more things learned. I rejoice. I want to learn more and grow in grace.

Welcome to the blog!

J

The Deceit of Anger

2008-07-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

We all get angry. Things upset us. We are easily frustrated when days do not go according to plan. I see this in Adah when she can’t get a toy to perform the way she desires or when a piece just will not fit in her puzzle. Annoyance. Frustration. Such occurrences are part of our daily lives.

The Bible draws a great deal of attention to anger. Some anger is righteous and some is unrighteous. More than often, ours is unrighteous because we are sinners. My question is this: what do we do with anger? What happens if it grows? What do we do when frustration at a puzzle turns into a puzzle piece flying across the room? How do we respond?

The other day, our phone had no dial tone. And, we had no computer. Our car was having trouble. I was a little annoyed. There was a moment I felt like Adah, and I just wanted to throw something across the room. What was going on in my heart?

Let’s face it: whether big or small instances, we all get angry. It is moments like this when I say to Adah in her trial, “Love, we do not throw our toys. Many people put time and energy into making these for us. We need to be considerate and respectful of our toys. I understand you’re angry. Sometimes it’s hard when our toys don’t do what we want them to, but that’s ok. That’s why we keep trying and be patient. Let’s ask Jesus to help us be patient in this situation. Let’s confess we’re angry and want to act in a way that will honor Him. Let’s ask for His help.”

God similarly reminded my heart of this when I was angry at our situation. I needed His help, and praise God that His grace is so good, so gentle and abounding. He truly does provide an escape from sin, as we seek and submit ourselves to Him.

I know what you’re thinking: “Jocelyn, if that the height of your anger issues, you’ve got it easy.” Ha. The point is not who has faced more that entitles one to anger. The beauty of this message is this: the Bible assures us that there’s a way out; we don’t need to live a life of anger and bitterness. God calls us to so much more. Grace and peace can be prominent in our trials. We can trust in a God who is in control even when nothing seems to be in our lives.

It’s easy to feel like God is far from us when we struggle. Does he really care that my phone has no dial tone? If I believe He controls and governs all things, I should seek Him for what He may be trying to teach me through the trial. Furthermore, how can I honor Him through it? When I get to the root of my anger, it is often grounded in fear and lack of confidence in God’s ability to handle the situation. Don’t be deceived to think that all anger is justified, or even that if it’s “justified” we’re supposed to remain in it. Don’t believe the lie that it entitles us to treat objects, or more importantly individuals poorly or disrespectfully. This is not love and such actions (which originate in the heart) grieve the Holy Spirit. We need to confess such things and receive forgiveness. God is faithful to forgive and purify us. (1 John 1:9)

I don’t want sin to take root in my heart, or in the hearts of my family. In the moment it peaks, we want to seek Christ for help to turn to Him in obedience. We want to put aside anger and be renewed in the knowledge of Christ. God is teaching us endurance through trials, and that’s what we love to sing of together: God is faithful in all things. Trials are purposeful and lead to wisdom. How foolish we would be to miss this by letting anger have its way. God desires that we give thanks in everything and that we do it all without grumbling or complaining. How do we do this: by His grace and through His strength. We can’t do it on our own. We need Him so desperately. Thank you, God! You are so very good to us!

“But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, bad feeling toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from your lips. Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper]. Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]. And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony]. And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]. Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts. And whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him.”~Colossians 3:8, 12-17 (Amplified Bible)

Without Blemish

2008-05-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

While outside last evening, I noticed newly acquired scratches on Adah’s skin. Now that she’s outside playing all the time, she’s more prone to get hurt by the elements of nature. It was almost hard to believe that her perfect little skin now had blemishes.

Today while out walking, I noticed her skin again and my mind quickly turned to the condition of Adah’s heart, of my heart, and of the hearts of all humanity. We are all full of scrapes and bruises deep down inside.

It’s difficult sometimes, in the midst of a culture that defines sin as something “bad”, or something that brings harm to oneself or another person, to consider sin being in our hearts. It’s often seen as an action that leads to a negative consequence. Just the other day, Adah and I were at the playground when some elementary age children came out to play. The one child said to the other, “You are a cheater; you will NEVER be a good person!” Ouch. That could hurt. But, the truth is none of us are good people; there is none righteous. We are all cheaters, liars, adulterers, etc. We are all sinners and it’s not about which sin we struggle with – it’s the fact that we are sinners. It’s about the condition of our hearts.

Even when Adah was born, we knew her heart was sinful. That’s what Scripture teaches and that’s been affirmed in her actions. We often tell her, “Honey, we know it’s hard to choose right. We have the same struggles. That’s why we need Jesus’ help.”

In order to appreciate the cross, I think we have to accept the debt of our sin. When I look upon the face of Jesus upon the cross at Gethsemane, I see myself and what I deserved. When I see Him disfigured and in agony because of separation from His Father, I know He did that for me. “The debt was so great, that while man alone owed it, only God could pay it.” (Anselm) He paid my ransom and yours.

I’m just astounded that only Jesus’ perfect, sinless life could pay the debt for our sin. We could never come close to being able to pay that debt.

I love this quote by Sinclair Ferguson: “The cross is the heart of the gospel; it makes the good news the good news. Christ died for us; He stood in our place before God’s judgment seat; He has borne our sins. God has done something on the cross which we could never do for ourselves. But God does something to us as well for us through the cross. He persuades us that He loves us.”

So, here we are , scrapes and bruises, yet fully redeemed, cleansed, and forgiven when we trust in Christ paying the price for our sin.

I’m ok with imperfections—with the nature that exists in me—because it reminds me how much I need Him.